Full Circle

This time six years ago, 9pm on May 22nd 2013, I had just arrived at HMP Bronzefield, having spent several hours in a sweatbox. I had spent six weeks fighting for my life, an innocent in crown court.
I was now sitting on a hard plastic chair, contemplating how I had ended up in a large, grey prison holding room in Surrey, surrounded by women of all shapes and sizes, who were sharing out their hidden treats, secreted in their bras. My first introduction ever to drugs. And to hiding contraband in your bra!
As I sat there I could not quite believe that the Criminal Justice System had allowed me to be convicted of a crime I had not committed, a crime that in reality did not even exist!

The world is round (sorry flat earth society https://www.tfes.org/ ) and my life has gone full circle in the last ten years.

In 2009 I was running a successful youth theatre company and Saturday school. I was working on local shows. I was teaching piano and singing, and had a large circle of work contacts and friends. Life was OK, well it was good; but always stressful and hard work due to having children with autism, adhd, hearing loss, ME and various physical issues. But we were a team, and I had spent many years making sure my children had every performing opportunity despite their additional needs. I was the forerunner of the relaxed performance! I was "inclusion" before it became a buzzword!

My house, and my family's home, was raided in November 2009; if you are a reader of my blog you need no more explanation. For those of you who are new, please do take the time to read my earlier blogs.

Here I am in 2019:

I am running a youth theatre company and Saturday school.
I am teaching piano and singing
I am running local shows
I have a large circle of work contacts and friends

Sounds familiar?

I still have children with additional needs, however they are young adults now. And sadly they have more needs now, due to the trauma they suffered at the hands of the CJS.
No thought is given to the children of suspected offenders. No thought is given to the children of convicted offenders.
No thought is given to the children of released prisoners.
My children will never forget the two van loads of  police and DWP officers who flooded into their home, early on a Monday morning. It was the first day back to school after October half term. It is embedded in their minds. The sounds, smells, the thoughts, the terror.
They will never forget being lined up and filmed and asked to state their names
They will never forget the shame when their friends' parents posted the news on social media when I was sent to jail.
They will never forget prison visits and being searched.
They will never forget being investigated by social services
They will never forget mum disappearing without warning after dropping them at school.
They will never forget losing their home
They will never forget knowing their mum did not commit the crime she was convicted of...... because the crime was about them.... and they knew they had additional needs. (As adults now they are even more sure of the needs they had and have, which makes them so incredibly angry about all we went through)
They will never trust the Criminal Justice System, police, the DWP or authority.

I don't really blog much now, maybe because I am not so angry any more. Although writing this tonight is making me angry again. I can feel the panic, my heartbeat is racing, I am sweating, I start to feel scared. I cry.

My two autistic boys got their benefits back when I went on "holiday",with the help of adult social services. In fact at a higher rate. Irony. (I am not laughing, funnily enough)
We did not pursue it for the younger two, too terrified. And my very Aspergic eldest daughter had to make that decision for herself.
But we are fighting again right now for my eldest son (24 and very autistic), back to zero points for PIP after the latest assessment. (Down from 26 points... oh wow he is cured!)
But I know that this time, at least, it is not due to "mum's conviction for benefit fraud". That was thrown out instantly at the last tribunal. Instead it is just the uselessness of ATOS, and he is just one of the tens of thousands of disabled people who are at the mercy of this terrible and dishonest system. The system that claimed that "I" was the dishonest one.

Slowly life gets better and better. But I am still so affected.
I am really successful in my work life right now.... but spend so much of my time terrified.
What if?
Could I cope if it all happened again? It seems that you can be arrested, charged and convicted so easily of a crime that does not exist; a crime that did not happen. I am too scared to be happy. Too scared to be proud of myself.

I have a video doorbell, because I am frightened of answering the door.
I don't answer the phone unless I recognise the number, something I am working on now as I am running a successful talent agency and have to answer calls.
If I see a police car I have a panic attack.
I have nightmares, every night, without fail.
My childhood attachment issues from growing up in care, were not helped by being betrayed again by a government department. This affects every area of my life. My relationship with my wife, my relationships with my children, my lack of trust.

I panic easily. I recently received an email out of the blue from an ITV Crime and Punishment researcher, and immediately my panic went into overdrive. Although we have a press ban in place to prevent the children being identified until my youngest is 18 years old, I was convinced that ITV wanted to make a programme about me. I had the biggest emotional meltdown I have had since leaving prison. This would be all my good work overturned. It took a lot of support from my children to help me to deal with this. Do journalists have no clue about the trauma that we go through? They even emailed my workplace! I eventually realised they were probably making a documentary about Jo Dennehy; she and I became friends at Bronzefield, and I suspect a member of staff had leaked that info to ITV. We exchanged a lot of letters over the years. Of course I would have had nothing to do with this programme. You don't do that to your friends, even if they are a convicted serial killer.

I am moving on. I run a very successful inclusive theatre company. I have the knowledge and experience to do this due to my own performing disabled children . The very thing that caused me to be convicted of fraud. I am championing inclusion. I run an inclusive theatrical talent agency. All my disabled clients receive disability benefits. They also all perform. It is irrelevant. Without the benefit support they would not be achieving at that level. Achievement is not a valid reason to take that support away. The support is needed to ensure they achieve!

If I was fighting my case today I would deal with it in such a different way. Although I am damaged by all that happened it has made me stronger. I have insight that I would never have gained. I have experiences that have shaped my future. I met people I would never have met. I have an understanding of the corrupt CJS that makes me want to scream, and makes me determined to play my part in change.

So here I am 10 years later; married, running a successful business, with so many more friends, living a good life, looking to the future.

Me: 1    CJS: 0

Thank you all for reading my blog. This will probably be my last as I need to move on from my "ex-prisoner" status, and, as you all know, I never did manage to break into the clique of CJS reform charities. I have found my place, back doing the thing I love and the thing I am truly amazing at. I am really grateful that I met so many amazing people while in prison and afterwards. I am pleased that I made a small difference while inside and out; with Keep Out, User Voice, Clean Break and Synergy. I tried my best to give my skills and talents wherever I could.

Please do keep in touch with me. My inclusive company is going places. And my own children are fantastically successful.
Screw you CJS and DWP!!!

Attention!! Autistic Actor Ahead!

Tomorrow is a momentous occasion. My eldest son, 21, has a film casting in London. OK, so he has been to hundreds of castings and auditions, especially between the ages of about 10 and 15. So why is tomorrow such a different experience?
Well, he is actually, for the first time ever, able to go to this casting as himself; an autistic young man.

As a child he was on the books of two very well known and renowned agencies; Sylvia Young's Younguns agency and A&J Management. It was easy for my autistic performer to land a place with these agents. Monologues are a piece of cake for a repetitive mimic; he could copy every single inflection in my voice and learn some quite complex pieces almost parrot fashion. He passed LAMDA exams at Distinction level time and again. Having a musical protegee for a mother, who worked as a musical director, his genetic natural musicality and stunning singing voice meant that the agencies also loved his singing voice.

However, being diagnosed with autism aged three was something we were unable to mention or refer to. The child-performer world is a strange environment. Children are not cast based on their talent.... well, that comes into it, but unfortunately for a young autistic boy, the casting directors look at so many other factors. Which is why he found himself auditioning for, and being recalled for, Gavroche in Les Mis seven times without actually landing the part! Knowing my son, I guess I understand that he probably didn't make eye contact enough, or wasn't sociable enough with the casting team or the other children. But he would have been absolutely perfect in the role, with his ability to repeat the part in exactly the same way time after time, on top of his inside-out knowledge of the role and his belting singing voice. Equally he would have been perfect in Mary Poppins, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and The Sound of Music, all of which he was recalled for several times without actually being cast.

Maybe we should have been able to let them know he was autistic. I do strongly believe that this should not have gone against him..... but sadly it would have. The children's casting directors he saw, who for some reason  seem to have a monopoly over every show employing child actors, have a very controlling manner and were incredibly frightening to come up against. If he had been applying to audition as an autistic child he would never have even been offered an audition! These casting directors also have issues with parents, and will ostracise a child performer if they dislike the parent. (there is an article in the Daily Mail written by one of these at: http://tinyurl.com/no4ws9h). I often wonder if those who write the shows, or finance the shows, are aware that some of the best young talent is never considered for a role!

So, all in all it was never an option to discuss his disability and help him through the discrimination to land one of the roles he was born to play.

But tomorrow he is meeting a well known casting director who knows he is autistic and wants to meet him specifically for that reason! He is so excited, and yet he says it feels very odd. For his whole childhood he had to pretend he was something he wasn't, due to the attitudes of the CDs. And pretending you are something you are not is very difficult when you are autistic! 

Perhaps I should have fought harder..... but the boost to his self esteem each time he had a West End audition or a tv casting was enough to make me think we were doing the right thing at the time. Unfortunately it backfired later when those same casting directors were unsupportive (and one of them downright vindictive) when it all came out about his autism and also the disabilities of his siblings.

So now we are all completely honest and open. I have a son with autism who is an amazing musical theatre performer and actor. I have a son with Aspergers who is a diploma level musician, an advanced dancer and a stunning MT performer. I have a daughter with chronic anxieties who is an outstanding actress and is studying performing arts. She hopes to go to Drama School next year, and I have a son who is deaf and has Developmental Dyspraxia, who has performed in numerous professional shows, including being a soloist at Glyndebourne, but is now moving into technical theatre. Look out Brit School, he is aiming high!

I am proud of what they have achieved, despite their issues, and I will continue to support them and to raise awareness of the need to fight disability discrimination in the arts.

Break a Leg tomorrow son.... I love you.

(Any casting directors reading this please check out http://www.visablepeople.com/)