Monday 15 August 2016

Suicide Soliloquy

Charlie Nokes' last act of self harm was her final act and soliloquy in her short and painful life. Charlie was one of many amazing and talented people I met during my stay in gated retreats, and she had a never to be forgotten impact on my life. 

Charlie took her life on July 26th 2016 at HMP Peterborough. Three years earlier this IPP prisoner had worked her way to the open wing at HMP Send, and could see her way out and a future. A split from her then girlfriend, Tatiana, who was also on this wing was enough to send Charlie back to a spiral of self harm and self destructive behaviours. Over the following years she would see no way out and her self-destruct button was well and truly pressed.

The news of Charlie's passing has been met with shock amongst my community of ex-offenders, serving prisoners, reform charities and those involved in the arts. However, this shock does not seem to be replicated within our society. No media articles, no newspapers making demands for an explanation as to how this could happen, nor are the general public marching together to demand that current IPP prisoners be released. 

Prisoner suicides seem to feature daily in my twitter feeds and facebook notifications, in my e-mail inbox and during my chats with friends. So why is there not a national outcry? Prisoners are equal human beings to all of us, who may just have made a bad choice, who may be a victim of abuse or addiction, or who may, in fact, be innocent of their conviction. Nobody deserves to die, alone in a locked cell, so desperate to escape that a blade has been fashioned from razors or glass, or meds have been begged, stolen and borrowed to be stored up for that moment when roll-check is done and the wing is quiet.

Alan Travis wrote in the Guardian in April this year about this very topic. In the previous 12 months there had been 100 suicides in English and Welsh prisons, the highest number in 25 years. In the 12 months before there had been 79. This earlier figure is high in itself, but an increase of 25% in just one year is unacceptable. https://goo.gl/Ti1hpt 

Three ladies I met in prison are now dead through committing suicide. Three individual human beings, with families, friends, and skills and talents, who should have had a future after their punishment was served. Charlie was an incredible artist. Her mental health problems were largely ignored in prison, and her troubled soul and her mental angst gave rise to the most amazing artwork, much of which was exhibited by the Koestler Trust.

Having experienced prison life I have an insight into the utter desolation that visits you inside. Prisoners like Charlie feel they are fighting a losing battle, they see no light at the end of the tunnel. The corruption inside prison, the abuse of power by staff (especially healthcare staff), the lack of mental health support or treatment, the loneliness and boredom and despair. Prison is hard. Let nobody tell you otherwise. 

But is it right that this should lead to suicide? Something has to change. The entire prison system has failed. The way prisoners are treated reflects badly on us as a society. We, our society, are responsible for these deaths, each and every one of them. We who voted for our governments, we who are complacent about those who aren't in the forefront of our minds. We who fail to consider how we can improve the lives of ALL our society, not just those we consider to be worthy.

Charlie, you were a special person. You touched so many lives and I pray you have finally found peace. Charlie Noakes RIP 2016.


Saturday 2 July 2016

Blogging Inside and Out; Retro Reminiscing

When you have a restricted list of allowed items, and when you have to pack those items into only three bags when you are moved, you become quite frugal, and any hoarders soon lose the habit!

Today, in a fit of decluttering, I went through all my paperwork from my time in the gated retreats. It was quite therapeutic, slightly upsetting, and also very interesting when I came across articles I had written in those mindless hours of boredom.

The following is something I wrote from my prison cell, in response to the IEP changes in PSI 30/2013 about to be instigated in November 2013, thanks to Mr Grayling. I touched on this in my earlier blog on The Grayling Book Ban. I found this hand written "blog" amongst the poems, song lyrics and book reviews I wrote to try to keep my brain running, and to remind myself of my intelligence and analytical abilities, abilities that do not go down well in HMP! I posted this article out to Inside Times and to prison reform charities..... like much of my other post I think it possibly got "lost" on the way!

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    I recently read a book written by a man who, like me, was convicted of a white collar crime and who, also like me, was given a harsh sentence in comparison to his peers convicted of violent, drug-related or repeat offences.
In it he wrote: "Imagine yourself locked up somewhere luxurious. You are able to enjoy all the creature comforts...... and can go anywhere inside that building, order and eat whatever you want, use any and all of the equipment and facilities available.... BUT - you can't leave this place. Worse, you are there with others whom you would not want to be with, anytime or anywhere. Your family can only visit for an hour or so, once a week, and you can phone them only for about five minutes a day."

He then goes on to say, how long would it take the "hang 'em and flog 'em" brigade to start reconsidering their position on the "holiday camp" issue..

As this intelligent ex-prisoner states in his book, the real punishment in being sent to prison is your withdrawal from society, and specifically your friends and family.
Being held inside the prison is the punishment. The conditions in which prisoners are held should, in a humane society, reflect the conditions of the society which has imprisoned them, The main aim of prison should be rehabilitation, with a forward-thinking approach designed to reduce re-offending.

From November 1st 2013, here at HMP Send (a resettlement prison which encourages offenders back into work in the community ) ladies can no longer have ANY items brought or sent into the prison. Why the draconian move back to the dark ages? Nobody knows, as, officially nobody has even been told about the new regime (due to be implemented in less than a week)
  (*NB don't forget I wrote this in October 2013)
The prison service does like to keep its cards close to its chest!

Prisoners are not 'spoilt' with the current, pre PSI 30/2013, personal property allowed into prison. There are very strict limits and guidelines: a few of their own clothes, some books, board games, a few CDs, duvet cover, towel, a china mug (*NB this was removed later, except in open prisons), not much really. And items are only allowed to come in four times a year.

So, what happens in the future when clothes wear out, become too big or too small ( a common occurrence on a prison diet)? Simple!! Ladies can wear prison issue: an incredibly uncomfortable, hot and heavy prison tracksuit. Apart from being degrading, and also discriminating against those without enough money to buy from the prison's second-hand shop or extortionate catalogues (the only other option), this could cost the government a fortune! Just here in Send, 280 ladies will need six or seven sets of clothes, as laundry facilities are only available once a week. Even with the cheapest sweat-shop machined goods (and believe me the quality of prison issue is poor) it will cost over £100 per prisoner. Thats over £28,000 just as an initial outlay!

Let me explain why the prison service's idea of ladies buying all their own clothes, books, paper, envelopes, toiletries and stamps etc won't work. At HMP Send the prison pay is incredibly low. For a working week of four and a half days, a prisoner earns just £11.05. Out of that comes £1 a week for television: not much of a prisoner treat when you consider it costs almost half a day's pay and HMP makes a big profit from prisoner tv. So, with £10 left each week there is phone credit to buy and any goods from the canteen, which is run by DHL and expensively priced. A call from the prison phone to a landline costs about £1 for ten minutes off-peak. However, in prison you are banged up early in the evening, so calls often have to be made in peak times, especially to legal teams or other officials such as Children's Services or Probation. Calls to mobiles are very expensive. Most prisoners smoke, and tobacco costs use up most of the £10 left each week. 

So, where does the Governor of HMP Send think each prisoner will find the money to buy all their own goods? Especially those items which facilitate communication with family (phone credit, envelopes, stamps), proven to reduce re-offending and improve mental health.

Despite classing itself as a 'working prison' Send does not reward hard workers with a bonus system or a sliding pay scale as other HMP establishments do. Wing cleaners, who work for about an hour or so a day, earn the same as kitchen workers who put in a seven hour day on pot wash! No such thing as an Enhanced or 'red-band' job at Send

Prisoners do not, despite public opinion, have a good or easy life. Being able to wear your own clothes and have a few of your own home comforts can be the difference between a coping prisoner and one with mental health needs, a massive and costly issue in prison.

Being in prison is degrading enough. Do we really, in 2013, need to make prisoners' lives even more miserable?

If you don't believe me, come and walk in my shoes for a while. Anyone could end up where I am. Don't turn prison into purgatory. Send offenders back into the world with raised self-esteem and the ability to be productive members of society. Not in a gray tracksuit with HMP printed across the front!

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If I were to write this article again today there would be few changes. Conditions in prison continue to deteriorate and re-offending will remain as one of the biggest judicial problems society faces. With Brexit and our collapsing government and opposition,  I am scared for the future of our judicial system and our prison service. I still write to and visit girls who are incarcerated and it worries me to think about the conditions they face in the future, sat in their prison issue tracksuits watching £1 a week television, with very little rehabilitation or work opportunities. Change will only happen when the general public stops and thinks, and understands the reality, instead of the Daily Mail fiction.



Saturday 18 June 2016

Uplifting Updates & Upcoming University

Blogging has taken second, no third, no actually bottom place over the last few months. Life with my amazing children has taken centre stage! So I apologise to those who actually read this blog that I have been so lapse in writing!

I thought it appropriate at the end of my first year to post an update on everything that has happened and all the issues I have covered these 12 months on my blog.

I am sure you are all interested in my Scottish friend, especially as she was the main subject of many of my blogs. After her heart surgery in September she finally was given permission to stay in England with me. Probation have never actually finalised this in writing, but she seems to be officially allowed to live in England! The surgery, however, wasn't that successful and in March she had to have another Cardioversion at St George's Hospital. 

Unfortunately, the negative experiences she had after leaving custody in June 2015, when she was forced back to Scotland, have had a traumatic and long term effect on her mental health. She finds herself depressed and ridden with anxiety. She struggles with surviving everyday life and has had multiple medical issues to deal with.

Last week she moved into a flat of her own in Crawley and is starting to work on the issues caused by a long stint inside, a lack of support, a vindictive probation service and a corrupt judicial system. There is a long haul ahead but I pray she will get there and find a future and happiness. Sadly the prison service is not set up to properly rehabilitate prisoners and support them in leaving custody. This has to change in order to address re-offending rates.

My two friends on recall? Well, one of them had to serve her whole sentence and was released last week. Sadly, she re-offended within 48 hours and is now facing new charges of Common Assault. I visited this lady in prison and wrote to her weekly while inside and really got to know her. She was not offered any tools to help her when she was released. Also, having served her whole term, she is not under probation or any support networks. Her background means she will levitate back towards the community that surrounded her when she committed the crime she was imprisoned for. She left Jail to nothing. Her children are with their fathers, she had nowhere to live other than with unsupportive parents, and was immediately back in her previous lifestyle. 

I will be there for her as much as she is willing to take the help and support. But it is so incredibly sad as she showed real intelligence and a desire to change and make a future while she was inside.

My other friend, my "late night in a ditch" friend.... sadly she was convicted of further charges when on licence and sentenced to two years. She is due for release in July. She has a husband who has failed big time, but she has two amazing children and amazing parents who are holding the fort for her. Prison has done nothing at all other than to institutionalise her. Last time I visited she said that she doesn't even count the days to release any more as, apart from missing her kids, prison is just normal for her now, and easy. Another reason why prison is NOT the answer for so many women.

And as for me?
Other than in my dreams, I forget that I even went there. Life is pretty much the same as before. No actually it's better I think, as I am a calmer person without the corruptness and dishonesty and deceit of the DWP hanging over my head.

My older children still show signs of the extensive effects on them. They won't answer the door, or the phone, and  are incandescent with rage if anyone questions a disability. What is amazing, though, is that the younger two have completely forgotten. They will chat away about events over those two years and expect me to remember going with them, or remember a particular incident or illness. All credit for this must go to my amazing daughter who stepped in and became mum for those years. Without her they would not be who they are today, and, although there were issues during that time, she did everything she could at the age of 22 to care for her siblings. Sadly their Dad was totally incapable, a waste of space, and now has disappeared from their lives completely, despite four months of mediation work. 

This year has flown by. I have had to spend a lot of time working with my children on their increased needs due to my being taken away from the family for two years. This has had a long term effect on them and ironically means they have more needs than they would have had if I had stayed around! 


So my amazing autistic actor son won his PIP tribunal... (of which there is no doubt he should have done), and DWP are continuing to play games and deny his human rights by trying to appeal. Ok, I get it, the tribunal decision has blown their prosecution case apart and shown my innocence, but seriously guys get over it!!

My AS son has also had his PIP awarded..... another appeal point!

The most exciting thing though is that the children are performing together, something they have always done, and have hit the big time.
Outofsync performed at Autism's Got Talent 2016 and had a standing ovation and then Les Miserables London shared the video leading to over 80k views!

https://www.facebook.com/outofsync8/videos/vb.620822785/10154794430027786/?type=3&theater

Things are moving forward and ultimately we are showing the world how a family with needs can have such talent.

And me? Last as always, as that is where I place myself... 
I have decided to accept the place to study Psychology and Criminology at Sussex University in September. This degree covers my interest in autism, linguistics, behaviours etc and also the criminal behaviours I saw so very close up!

I am really excited to be back to university, as that is where I should have been in September 2013. Instead, I was a wrongly convicted prisoner living in one room, locked away and unable to be productive.

My appeal? Well once the DWP realise that their fight over Eden's PIP tribunal has no substance...... cos funnily enough he is actually autistic!,.... then I am on my way!



Thursday 31 March 2016

Testing Tribunal, and Triumph!!


People who had never met my children, who didn't know my children, made decisions about them in 2013, causing far reaching consequences.

Last week my autistic son, 21 years old and still autistic despite my conviction, had to attend a DWP Tribunal. His support worker had helped him to claim Personal Independence Payments (PIP) in August 2014. One of the main reasons he needed to claim this was due to my imprisonment for "falsely" claiming the equivalent... DLA... when he was a child. Without my 24/7 support, and left alone to be cared for by his siblings, there was no option but to claim the help and support he is morally and legally entitled to.

When I say "helped him" what I really mean is she had made the initial phone calls, filled in the forms when they arrived, written the reports needed, supported him emotionally, enabled him to have a DWP approved financial safeguarding team dealing with his benefits and found an independent advocate who would support him through the whole arduous process.

It took 19 months to reach tribunal stage. The DWP awarded him zero points in every area, stating: "Eden is an unsafe witness due to his mother's conviction" and "Eden performed in the Pirates of Penzance with Crawley Operatic" and "Eden cannot have become autistic at 20 as the condition is there from birth"....... do you see the flaws in their arguments?

As expected the DWP sent a presenting officer to the Tribunal. Recently the DWP have recruited many new presenting officers as they are failing to stop Tribunals overturning their negative and usually wrong PIP decisions at a rate of knots! The following was the answer to a question to the House of Commons in September 2015 about how many Tribunals were found in the claimant's favour:

April to June 2015 PIP Tribunals 47%
April to June 2015 ESA Tribunals 52%


On Wednesday, I left my son in Brighton,  feeling more anxious than I have ever seen him, waiting with his advocate for what he perceived to be a court hearing equal to my prosecution. He felt he was a criminal, he was terrified he would be arrested. Two and a half hours later I spoke to him to hear that the Tribunal had allowed his appeal! Eden has no concept of what that means for him. Which really says it all!

The presenting officer stated that all the DWP evidence was inadmissible and to decide the case on its own merits. It would only have taken a few minutes of conversation with my son to realise how severely he is affected by autism, in fact they overturned the zero points to such an extent that he was awarded the enhanced rate of daily living, exactly what he is entitled to based on their own PIP descriptors.

What a shame the DWP could not have done this a few years ago. What a pity they were unable to make that simple move to actually meet the children they were making decisions about. Much as everyone is hating the new system for PIP, I actually think the assessments are a good idea in cases like mine The ATOS medical professional who met Eden also decided he had quite a high level of need. But of course, the DWP were not able to accept this as it throws a massive spanner in the works of their incredibly corrupt and dishonest conviction of me, his mother. They decided to ignore their own employed medical assessors..... made themselves look pretty stupid really.

I have no doubt they will try to appeal. I am sure the air was blue on Wednesday in the DWP fraud offices! I am just grateful that they can only appeal now on a point of law. The Tribunal panel were so very kind to my son, who spent many years having to come to terms with his autism and understand (to some extent) his own limitations, only to have the DWP convict his mother falsely and tell him he wasn't actually autistic. What a cruel way to behave to a vulnerable 21 year old. 

Oh, and the 19 year old with Aspergers has, with support,  also successfully claimed his PIP! Corrupt and dishonest conviction? I'll let you decide......






Monday 11 January 2016

Incarcerated; Inmates or Infants?

My 18 year old daughter is studying a BTEC in Performing Arts at college. She was recently asked to come and give her personal input to a level 4 Performing Arts group who are devising a piece around the impact on children of imprisoning parents. She is an intelligent and articulate girl, who willingly answered their questions. But I don't think this group of actors was really prepared for the reality of what she had to tell them.....

On November 2nd 2009 my house was raided. It was the above daughter's first day at a new school, aged just 11. She had lost her place at The Arts Educational School due to a corrupt head and the withdrawal of promised bursary funding (she wasn't the only pupil who had to leave due to Buster, the headmaster's, promises). Our house was raided by a van load of DWP investigators  accompanied by a minibus filled with police officers. When I answered the door, at 7.45am on a Monday morning, I was greeted with the comment "Weren't you expecting us?"

I had seven children at home that morning. One has autism, one has Aspergers/HFA, one has a sensory disorder and one has a hearing impairment and developmental dyspraxia. The youngest two were just aged four and five....... The DWP had been investigating me for six months at this point and were fully aware of the ages of my children and of their disabilities. (although refusing to believe in their diagnosed disorders at this point due to their ability to perform, preferring to believe I had a benefit claim factory going on in my home!). This raid was unnecessary, vindictively planned and downright evil.

The effect of a full-on police raid on my children is still evident today.....
My children cannot answer the door, they won't answer the phone. They won't talk to authority. They are petrified if they see a police car. They absolutely detest the DWP. They cannot trust the police, the judicial system, judges, the court process. My older daughter has such severe anxiety now  that she cannot deal with the simplest problem. A highly intelligent 24 year old who struggles to function. All caused by thoughtless DWP staff who had a political and senseless vendetta against a parent of disabled children; children with disabilities that they did not have the intelligence needed to understand!

When my 18 year old daughter talked to the level 4 drama group she explained how it felt to her. " All I could think was; have I left my dirty knickers on my bedroom floor". The raid was filmed. DWP officers are not allowed to search, that's why they brought the police along. To be honest, the police officers appeared seriously unimpressed with the whole thing. They tutted and sighed and were impatient with the DWP, who in contrast revelled in their search making bitchy comments throughout. 
"Look, she said her children won't have labels in their clothes and yet she is sewing name tags in her daughter's uniform!".
Sadly, the gormless DWP officers cannot tell the difference between a flappy label on an item of clothing (nightmare to a highly sensitive ASD child) and a fully sewn in flush name tag!! (don't forget it was my daughter's first day at a new and frightening school, and the name tags and uniform were left out from the nght before).

Before the search happened I was arrested and taken to a police station. My older daughter, then aged 18, was left to bear the responsibility of her siblings and the DWP's appalling behaviour. She followed them through the house, calming her siblings and questioning their search. The children were asked to line up and state their names. My beautiful autistic eldest son drew his fists and was calmed by his siblings. If we discuss it, to this day, he starts to rage. The night before the raid he had been really difficult (he was 15) and I had removed his laptop so that he would go to bed. As this laptop was on my bed the following morning, the DWP took it!! It had all his GCSE work on it and they refused to return it for 6 weeks. Imagine the stress for any 15 year old..... but for one who is autistic and struggling so much in life this was a deathly blow.

So, the effect on my children? I cannot even begin to quantify. For us this raid was totally unnecessary. It gained nothing for the DWP. After the raid followed nearly four years of questioning and court appearances, during which time we all fell apart.

When I was convicted my children were the ones who suffered. Despite a guilty conviction my children did not lose their issues or disabilities. And so, that same older sister had responsibility for six younger siblings, with all their issues, for two years. There is no support, the only time there was a wiff of interest from Children's Services was when they decided there may be a Child Protection issue. This was swiftly dismissed and no support was ever offered to my wonderful, amazing and different seven siblings while I was incarcerated.

It has now been eight months since I left prison. My children have anxieties and insecurities. The daughter who was due to start her new school the day we were raided became crippled by a chronic anxiety disorder. She never settled in that new school. She then became a school refuser, diagnosed with ME (which was more likely, looking back, to have been anxiety and depression) and eventually moved to another senior school which she attended sporadically. She is still affected on a daily basis. She struggles to attend college. She struggles with any unfairness. She struggles with trust. This will stay with her for the rest of her life. Watching a parent sent to prison, unfairly and vindictively, is something I guess one cannot get over.

Her nearest brother (Aspergers/HFA) had just won a full scholarship to one of the country's best private schools when I was sent down. He attended the school for two years, but with his Aspergers, no support, and no parent around, he really struggled to achieve. Instead of leaving with the expected four A* A Level results and to go to a top university, he is now doing a third year of sixth form college locally.

My eldest autistic son had been on a musical theatre degree course. I am, and have always been, his complete support network, and, as such, worked really hard to get him through his education. When I was sent away he started to fail as I was no longer there to help him 24/7, and he ended up completely failing his course. What a waste..... absolutely heart wrenching to think that a judge could think it was the right thing to send his only support to prison, leaving him now reliant on the benefit system....

My 15 year old son with hearing difficulties and various other issues was almost 13, very reliant on me, his mum, and then suddenly he had nobody. He struggles today to leave my side. He needs reassurance constantly that I am going nowhere. He had special needs all his life and the two years of forced separation caused him so much pain and distress; he is rarely more than a few feet away today.

The two babies (7 and 9 when I went away) were obviously affected by losing their mum. As a single parent I was their constant, their support, their bedtime story, their cook, their walk to school, their everything. I dropped them at school one morning and never came home.

Although I had visits in prison, these are really difficult and traumatic for children. Visits are never guaranteed; they are short and the parent cannot move from a red chair. Children cannot bring in a book or homework. The prisoner cannot take artwork back with them. 
Luckily, after 8 months inside, I was able to access the ROTL (release on temporary licence) system which meant I could visit home during my time in prison. ROTL also enabled me to go out to work, but the right wing government and Daily Mail readers are trying to stop this vital gift. (see previous blog on ROTL: http://outofsync8.blogspot.co.uk/2015/12/media-manipulation-rotl-reality.html) At least while I was out I could use my phone to contact my children. But this didn't change the massive effect on my children of losing their mother.

This was my first conviction (for a crime I did not commit) and I was assessed as very low risk. There was no reason for me to be sent to prison. The judge was given reports on the vulnerability of my children but refused to believe these reports from professional psychiatrists. 

My children will never recover from the raid, the four years following when their mother was a wreck and the two years we were separated while I was in prison. 

So, this week I have been asked to watch the Level 4 performance, based around our story and the effect that imprisoning a parent has on children. This discussion will go on and on. Of course you cannot use having children as a reason not to imprison a serious offender. But, to cause children to have serious mental health issues, to cause children to be adopted, to cause whole families to break up forever, to cause the government to financially support families..... is this the right way to go? Does this mean the best use of resources? Does this mean the best way to rehabilitate? Who are the ones who are incarcerated...inmates or their infants? Who is affected the most by prison?

If you want the answers to the above....... ask my children.