I have concentrated on my Scottish friend rather a lot recently, and that is perfectly understandable as she is in a really dire situation that, unfortunately, is still not resolved. For those who are new to my blog please read my previous posts and let me know if you are able to help at all.
http://outofsync8.blogspot.co.uk/2015/09/petrified-and-in-pain-prohibitive.html
All my prayers today are directed towards a resolution before she needs to leave for London tomorrow morning.
*********************************************************************
However, I do not want to appear on here simply as a Probation Basher :-)
I have been home for exactly four months tomorrow. It has been an incredibly stressful, tiring, busy, emotional, unpredictable and erratic time! I landed feet first and running; back to being a full time mum and with a major housing crisis to deal with. I also have children with specific needs which has added some spice to the mix!
Four months later I am in a good place. I have built a good relationship with my Probation Officer, who was originally very wary of me and mistrustful. This made me very wary of her too, especially with my attachment and trust issues. I am pleased to say, though, that we now have a good understanding of each other. I am an incredibly honest person, (often too honest) and have a very strong sense of fairness. Learning to be assertive while inside has really helped me to be very open about how I feel and about how I perceived my PO, and I think this has been an important part of our relationship building.
Housing has been incredibly difficult to deal with as, shortly after arriving home, I found myself and my children to be homeless. This is incredibly common with ex-prisoners, most local councils consider them to be intentionally homeless on release and this is a big reason behind re-offending. We have been living in temporary homeless accommodation, overcrowded and miles away from home, for 3 months, which has been really tough. At times I have wanted to just curl up in a ball and hide. But I have tapped into an amazing inner strength I discovered in prison and we are about to move into our new home, back in our home town and perfect for all the children. Being forced into this housing situation, however, has really strengthened the already impermeable relationship I have with my children. We have become an even closer, even more bonded group and I can only see a positive future for us as a family.
It is really common for prison leavers to struggle to find employment, sometimes for many years. Even though many prisoners leave with armfuls of qualifications and certificates, employers still see the criminal record first and the person second. So I am pleased to say that I have landed a job in the exact industry (social care) that I was aiming for! Not only that, but I was actually headhunted for the role, my musical skills being sought after in this particular area. Being interviewed by an ex probation officer meant a good understanding of what a criminal record actually means and that it was not going to be an issue.
My aims now are to continue moving forward in my personal life, and to continue to move forward with my deep and sincere desire to help change things for other prisoners, ex-offenders and those at risk of offending. I will continue to campaign for prison reform, continue to help bring cases such as my Scottish friend to public attention and continue to do whatever I can to make the lives of others better.
Monday 21 September 2015
Sunday 20 September 2015
Petrified and in Pain: Prohibitive Probation
Imagine finding out, aged just 49, that you have a heart condition. Imagine finding this out whilst incarcerated in prison, at the mercy of prison medical staff. Healthcare in prison is poor at best, every prisoner considered a hypochondriac who is swinging the lead to get stronger medication or a cushier ride. Imagine that heart condition getting increasingly worse. Imagine all the different medications you have to try just to be able to breathe and get through each day, and imagine how long it takes to actually get each medication when living in prison.
Imagine being taken out of prison to see the specialist while handcuffed to a prison officer. Imagine the fear of facing a potentially lethal condition, day after day on your own, knowing that every night you are locked up alone in a room, unable to summon help if you suffer a stroke or heart attack....
Now, jump forward four years. You have had two non-invasive, but still frightening and painful, procedures to try to solve the problem. Neither has worked. You have exhausted all the medication available. You are at daily risk of a stroke or heart attack and you urgently need a five and a half hour operation which is your last and only chance of a cure.
Imagine finding out you are finally listed for your operation, at your heart specialist's London hospital. Imagine the fear building up as you worry about being under general anaesthetic while parts of your heart are burnt away. But imagine the hope building up when you imagine a healthy future, a future where you can breathe properly, where your heart beats steadily and slowly, where you can once again be a productive member of society, where you can be the partner and family member you have struggled to be, where you can look forward to your wedding planned for next year, knowing you will walk down the aisle fit and strong.
My Scottish friend has her operation booked for Wednesday. It's an urgent operation and so she has been placed high up the list. But, as it stands today, she won't be going.........
She left prison 15 weeks ago. She served her time for a crime that she was manipulated into, that she admits was based on a wrong decision, and she has been a model prisoner. A first time (and only time I am sure) offender she is the lowest risk category. She has no direct victim, it wasn't a violent crime and she has nothing added to her standard licence. Those who have read my blogs will know that she left open prison in June as a textbook rehabilitated prisoner, with a full time job, a car, a partner and a new family. But, 15 weeks later, the Probation Service has managed to take away both her job and her car, and are preventing her continuing her relationship with her new partner. She is also isolated from her only family, who live in London. She is still unemployed and living in homeless accommodation in Scotland, nearly 600 miles from the place and people she considers to be home.
Nobody quite knows why KSS CRC are being so awkward and prohibitive. They still refuse to respond in writing, to communicate effectively with Scottish probation, PAS. the Scottish lady herself or her legal representatives. The local CRC office refuses to make any decisions about transferring her case to England or even about visiting temporarily while having this necessary surgery. They insist such an "unheard of" request to live with another ex-offender has to be considered by a senior officer from the National Probation Service. But there are many, many examples of two ex-offenders on licence living together and marrying without any of this kind of prohibitive and vindictive behaviour from their probation officers. Different agencies working with ex-offenders and also other Probation departments have confirmed this. Nobody can get to the bottom of the KSS CRC decision making. There does not seem to be a ruling or prison law that forbids this. There is nothing in either person's background or behaviour that would forbid this.
Whether or not a higher officer has to make the decision though is not the crux of this matter. The extremely urgent and life threatening issue is that the request for transfer was originally made over three months ago, the paperwork was sent (more than once), the hospital dates were known about, and yet......... still no decision or communication is forthcoming. Imagine how scared you would be about undergoing surgery, and how frightening to still not have confirmation that you can actually attend just three days before!
On Friday the Scottish lady visited her GP. She has been told that the stress caused by Probation's appalling behaviour towards her has massively increased her risk of stroke and/or heart attack. She has now been prescribed Diazepam on top of all the other daily medications she has to take to try to keep a serious heart attack at bay. The GP, who works four days a week in the prison service, has written a supporting letter. In it he states:
"I believe if she went onto a myocardial infarction/heart attack whilst placed on yet another waiting list, the Probation Office could be found medically and legally liable"
This letter has been e-mailed to Scottish Probation, PAS, the solicitor, KSS CRC and the senior officer who is refusing to deal with the situation. Ironically an out-of-office reply came back from that same senior officer, saying she was out of office until 23rd (the date of the operation.......). But for those of you who are technically minded bear this in mind.......
The out of office reply was sent, not as an automated reply, not with alternative contact details, but with a short sentence in it, FIVE HOURS after the email was received!! Slightly suspicious don't you think??
It seems that the Criminal Justice System can behave in any way they please, break any rules they like, make up rules as they go along. But ultimately, this is a human being. They are risking the death of a 53 year old lady, a living breathing human, who has a daughter, a partner, a sister, a niece and nephew, a whole new family.......
I hope they sleep well at night, I know the Scottish lady doesn't.....
Imagine being taken out of prison to see the specialist while handcuffed to a prison officer. Imagine the fear of facing a potentially lethal condition, day after day on your own, knowing that every night you are locked up alone in a room, unable to summon help if you suffer a stroke or heart attack....
Now, jump forward four years. You have had two non-invasive, but still frightening and painful, procedures to try to solve the problem. Neither has worked. You have exhausted all the medication available. You are at daily risk of a stroke or heart attack and you urgently need a five and a half hour operation which is your last and only chance of a cure.
Imagine finding out you are finally listed for your operation, at your heart specialist's London hospital. Imagine the fear building up as you worry about being under general anaesthetic while parts of your heart are burnt away. But imagine the hope building up when you imagine a healthy future, a future where you can breathe properly, where your heart beats steadily and slowly, where you can once again be a productive member of society, where you can be the partner and family member you have struggled to be, where you can look forward to your wedding planned for next year, knowing you will walk down the aisle fit and strong.
My Scottish friend has her operation booked for Wednesday. It's an urgent operation and so she has been placed high up the list. But, as it stands today, she won't be going.........
She left prison 15 weeks ago. She served her time for a crime that she was manipulated into, that she admits was based on a wrong decision, and she has been a model prisoner. A first time (and only time I am sure) offender she is the lowest risk category. She has no direct victim, it wasn't a violent crime and she has nothing added to her standard licence. Those who have read my blogs will know that she left open prison in June as a textbook rehabilitated prisoner, with a full time job, a car, a partner and a new family. But, 15 weeks later, the Probation Service has managed to take away both her job and her car, and are preventing her continuing her relationship with her new partner. She is also isolated from her only family, who live in London. She is still unemployed and living in homeless accommodation in Scotland, nearly 600 miles from the place and people she considers to be home.
Nobody quite knows why KSS CRC are being so awkward and prohibitive. They still refuse to respond in writing, to communicate effectively with Scottish probation, PAS. the Scottish lady herself or her legal representatives. The local CRC office refuses to make any decisions about transferring her case to England or even about visiting temporarily while having this necessary surgery. They insist such an "unheard of" request to live with another ex-offender has to be considered by a senior officer from the National Probation Service. But there are many, many examples of two ex-offenders on licence living together and marrying without any of this kind of prohibitive and vindictive behaviour from their probation officers. Different agencies working with ex-offenders and also other Probation departments have confirmed this. Nobody can get to the bottom of the KSS CRC decision making. There does not seem to be a ruling or prison law that forbids this. There is nothing in either person's background or behaviour that would forbid this.
Whether or not a higher officer has to make the decision though is not the crux of this matter. The extremely urgent and life threatening issue is that the request for transfer was originally made over three months ago, the paperwork was sent (more than once), the hospital dates were known about, and yet......... still no decision or communication is forthcoming. Imagine how scared you would be about undergoing surgery, and how frightening to still not have confirmation that you can actually attend just three days before!
On Friday the Scottish lady visited her GP. She has been told that the stress caused by Probation's appalling behaviour towards her has massively increased her risk of stroke and/or heart attack. She has now been prescribed Diazepam on top of all the other daily medications she has to take to try to keep a serious heart attack at bay. The GP, who works four days a week in the prison service, has written a supporting letter. In it he states:
"I believe if she went onto a myocardial infarction/heart attack whilst placed on yet another waiting list, the Probation Office could be found medically and legally liable"
This letter has been e-mailed to Scottish Probation, PAS, the solicitor, KSS CRC and the senior officer who is refusing to deal with the situation. Ironically an out-of-office reply came back from that same senior officer, saying she was out of office until 23rd (the date of the operation.......). But for those of you who are technically minded bear this in mind.......
The out of office reply was sent, not as an automated reply, not with alternative contact details, but with a short sentence in it, FIVE HOURS after the email was received!! Slightly suspicious don't you think??
It seems that the Criminal Justice System can behave in any way they please, break any rules they like, make up rules as they go along. But ultimately, this is a human being. They are risking the death of a 53 year old lady, a living breathing human, who has a daughter, a partner, a sister, a niece and nephew, a whole new family.......
I hope they sleep well at night, I know the Scottish lady doesn't.....
Thursday 17 September 2015
DWP investigators, Lush and sidekick.....
I write this to the two men in ill fitting suits and without your shirts buttoned up, one of you dirty looking with bad skin, who sat and giggled at the back of court throughout my trial. While the most intrusive and sensitive details about my children were openly discussed, you two thought it was a game. You giggled, smirked and scribbled down comments that you rushed to the prosecutor.
I had to watch as you revelled in inviting the press into the prosecutor's office each morning, where you leaked info to them that not even I or the court had seen or heard yet. You encouraged the media to exaggerate information and your prosecuting barrister manipulated and exaggerated information; ironic really when you were prosecuting me for exaggerating my children's needs......
You delighted in my discomfort, it was your mission to have me convicted even though you knew all the details of my children's hospital visits and diagnosis. You had ripped my life apart, ripped my children's lives apart and all for political gain and a determination to win.
And the reason I write today?
I watched my son today. He is 21. He is autistic. Your conviction changed nothing, in fact it made life harder for him as you took away his support for two years and the only adult he really had a relationship with. He then started to fail, failed the college course we had worked so hard to get him onto and went backwards socially.
I don't understand how you think he can be two different people.You turn down his PIP because he can sing! You seem to believe he is "acting" the part..... that he is pretending to be autistic.
Come and live with him. Stay for a week, a month. I really don't mind. He is 21, he has no friends, he does not socialise. He does not use his facebook..... (it's me who logs in to check it and help him appear capable enough to be asked to do the theatre he loves to do). He does not check his emails.... (yep that's me too). I have to remind him to change his clothes, to wash, I have to unblock the toilet, filled up to the brim every time he has a poo as he cannot deal with toileting very well.
Still think he is acting?
He calls men 'sir' and women 'ma'am' (rhymes with ham lol), because he doesn't recognise people or remember their names, and he thinks this is normal polite behaviour. When you talk to him he has learnt responses, mainly 'point', which he has derived from people saying 'that's a good point', and 'sure'.
He loves trains, he has always been good with trains as you will remember, as you had me convicted over the fact that he took a train to stage school in London every day. He memorised the tube map aged 9. However, he doesn't sit down on trains. He wanders. He roams.
But when we moved recently and there was only a bus we had to do travel training with him. I had to print out colourful easy to read maps of exactly where the bus stops are that he needs. I had to take him to the stop, help him with the bus times, make sure I was there to collect him. 21 remember....Still think he is "normal" and just acting autistic?
He stays in his room probably 95% of the time, coming out for food when he remembers to eat. He's 21 now remember, you can't just call him a normal teenager anymore. The only food he eats is bread and cheese, pasta bolognaise made with exactly the same pasta and mincemeat and a selection of junk food. He drinks endless bottles of diet coke. the bottles and wrappers are discarded in his room. He doesn't just eat one he eats the whole pack. a whole box of jam tarts, a whole box of french fancies.
His only interest is fan fiction which he reads from his phone out loud, using different voices. He reads it very loudly, day and night. He giggles and laughs out loud at it. Still normal and acting? An unsafe witness you called him in your response to his PIP form......
When he is anxious he curls up in a ball, he shakes. He really cannot cope with changes. He shuts himself away. He can explode at the slightest thing.
You claimed he couldn't have become autistic as an adult as it is present from birth. Well yes, I know this as he was diagnosed at 3 and then again at 5 by Linda Souter and Gillian Baird's clinic at Guys. He was statemented from age 4 to 18. Yet you accused me of "conning" these leading experts, conning the education department who statemented him....
The saddest thing is that the jury fell for it. And my defence team was rubbish. TBH at the end of a 6 week trial I was in no fit state to make any decisions, and when the judge wanted it wrapped up so he could go on holiday and my barrister pulled my witnesses I figured he knew what he was doing......I was wrong.
My son is amazing. He can sing like no other, he is truly talented, but that doesn't take away his autism, anxiety, depression, lack of social and language skills. Yes he performs with local am dram, as you quoted in your refusal to award PIP, but go and watch him there. Go and talk to the directors. He doesn't socialise, he doesn't talk, he reads his fan fiction on his phone throughout the rehearsals and shows, but he adores performing as he is good at it and it makes him feel good. So I will NEVER stop him performing just to keep the DWP happy. I see disabled actors and performers every day in the news and on tv. They have not been hounded by false accusations, so why me? Why my son?
He has a lifetime ahead of him where he is really going to struggle. The positive side from you taking me away for two years is that he now has a social worker, an ASD support worker and a psychiatrist who all KNOW he is autistic, support him and are APPALLED at what you put me through, but more at what you put MY SON through.
I will never forgive you. Not for what you did to me, but for the damage you have done to my children.
I had to watch as you revelled in inviting the press into the prosecutor's office each morning, where you leaked info to them that not even I or the court had seen or heard yet. You encouraged the media to exaggerate information and your prosecuting barrister manipulated and exaggerated information; ironic really when you were prosecuting me for exaggerating my children's needs......
You delighted in my discomfort, it was your mission to have me convicted even though you knew all the details of my children's hospital visits and diagnosis. You had ripped my life apart, ripped my children's lives apart and all for political gain and a determination to win.
And the reason I write today?
I watched my son today. He is 21. He is autistic. Your conviction changed nothing, in fact it made life harder for him as you took away his support for two years and the only adult he really had a relationship with. He then started to fail, failed the college course we had worked so hard to get him onto and went backwards socially.
I don't understand how you think he can be two different people.You turn down his PIP because he can sing! You seem to believe he is "acting" the part..... that he is pretending to be autistic.
Come and live with him. Stay for a week, a month. I really don't mind. He is 21, he has no friends, he does not socialise. He does not use his facebook..... (it's me who logs in to check it and help him appear capable enough to be asked to do the theatre he loves to do). He does not check his emails.... (yep that's me too). I have to remind him to change his clothes, to wash, I have to unblock the toilet, filled up to the brim every time he has a poo as he cannot deal with toileting very well.
Still think he is acting?
He calls men 'sir' and women 'ma'am' (rhymes with ham lol), because he doesn't recognise people or remember their names, and he thinks this is normal polite behaviour. When you talk to him he has learnt responses, mainly 'point', which he has derived from people saying 'that's a good point', and 'sure'.
He loves trains, he has always been good with trains as you will remember, as you had me convicted over the fact that he took a train to stage school in London every day. He memorised the tube map aged 9. However, he doesn't sit down on trains. He wanders. He roams.
But when we moved recently and there was only a bus we had to do travel training with him. I had to print out colourful easy to read maps of exactly where the bus stops are that he needs. I had to take him to the stop, help him with the bus times, make sure I was there to collect him. 21 remember....Still think he is "normal" and just acting autistic?
He stays in his room probably 95% of the time, coming out for food when he remembers to eat. He's 21 now remember, you can't just call him a normal teenager anymore. The only food he eats is bread and cheese, pasta bolognaise made with exactly the same pasta and mincemeat and a selection of junk food. He drinks endless bottles of diet coke. the bottles and wrappers are discarded in his room. He doesn't just eat one he eats the whole pack. a whole box of jam tarts, a whole box of french fancies.
His only interest is fan fiction which he reads from his phone out loud, using different voices. He reads it very loudly, day and night. He giggles and laughs out loud at it. Still normal and acting? An unsafe witness you called him in your response to his PIP form......
When he is anxious he curls up in a ball, he shakes. He really cannot cope with changes. He shuts himself away. He can explode at the slightest thing.
You claimed he couldn't have become autistic as an adult as it is present from birth. Well yes, I know this as he was diagnosed at 3 and then again at 5 by Linda Souter and Gillian Baird's clinic at Guys. He was statemented from age 4 to 18. Yet you accused me of "conning" these leading experts, conning the education department who statemented him....
The saddest thing is that the jury fell for it. And my defence team was rubbish. TBH at the end of a 6 week trial I was in no fit state to make any decisions, and when the judge wanted it wrapped up so he could go on holiday and my barrister pulled my witnesses I figured he knew what he was doing......I was wrong.
My son is amazing. He can sing like no other, he is truly talented, but that doesn't take away his autism, anxiety, depression, lack of social and language skills. Yes he performs with local am dram, as you quoted in your refusal to award PIP, but go and watch him there. Go and talk to the directors. He doesn't socialise, he doesn't talk, he reads his fan fiction on his phone throughout the rehearsals and shows, but he adores performing as he is good at it and it makes him feel good. So I will NEVER stop him performing just to keep the DWP happy. I see disabled actors and performers every day in the news and on tv. They have not been hounded by false accusations, so why me? Why my son?
He has a lifetime ahead of him where he is really going to struggle. The positive side from you taking me away for two years is that he now has a social worker, an ASD support worker and a psychiatrist who all KNOW he is autistic, support him and are APPALLED at what you put me through, but more at what you put MY SON through.
I will never forgive you. Not for what you did to me, but for the damage you have done to my children.
The Positives inside the Negativity..... the Pollyanna principle!
Today on Twitter I was asked, by an ex prison officer, why I was so negative about prison and the judicial system. It is hard to be positive about such a dishonest and corrupt establishment that treated me so badly, but I thought I would try to list the positives found in my experience of being wrongly convicted and jailed.
So, positives.......
Being forced into such an alien environment really enabled me to analyse issues and mental health problems that I had spent my life compartmentalising. I was unable to control 'my community' in prison, and so I really struggled with my differences and the many years of low self esteem and attachment problems. My inability to trust, worsened by unforgivable betrayal by the criminal justice system who jailed me for a crime I didn't commit, was something I really had to look into.
So, I guess the positive thing is that I had a lot of time to really self analyse and, at the end of my sentence, after suffering PTSD from the bullying and discrimination in open, to start to talk to health professionals about my screwed up head and emotions. This I am continuing with, even though I am back to being able to control my life and community.
Another positive, probably the biggest one, is the people I met. And I don't mean the staff or officers! I met the most non-judgemental, caring and supportive people amongst the other prisoners. Women's prisons have their share of bullying and nastiness, but on the whole the women join together and form a strong alliance against the establishment. I am still in close contact with ladies I met inside, and I count them among my closest friends ever. I felt supported and cared for, especially in closed conditions.
Two years of free education was another positive. OK, so the education itself is pretty low grade, low level, but I was able to access courses I needed to renew such as First Aid, Equality and Diversity, Health and Safety etc. I have had to pay to do these in the past, so now I have up to date qualifications in the areas I need for my employment, and all for free!
I loved being able to support others. I loved using my skills, abilities and experiences to help other prisoners. From being a Peer Supporter, an Induction Orderly, a Toe by Toe Mentor, to being a Wing Rep, a Catering Rep, Employment Peer supporter, whatever I did inside I did to help others. Although it irritated the establishment (to put it mildly!), I was determined to use my brains for the good and was always there for my fellow inmates to write appeals, look up PSIs, call solicitors, go to hearings, anything I could do to stop people being discriminated against or being treated unfairly (rife in prison)
Unfortunately the negatives far outweigh the positives. It was a time in my life when I realised that I could never trust the very system put there to uphold the law, to be 110% honest and true. If prison is not totally without fault, totally fair and uncorrupt then it is a failure. Prisoners cannot learn honest behaviours when seeing daily dishonesty all around them from those trusted to care for them. In prison a prisoner cannot break the rules without being punished, however those same rules are broken daily by staff....
I now ask for everything in writing when I deal with probation etc. Too many times I have had verbal agreements or whole conversations strenuously denied by officers and staff. And of course they are always believed above the offender because they are 'professionals'
Shall I let you into a little secret?
I was in prison with MANY professionals! A judge, a police superintendent, police officers, prison officers, accountants, solicitors, teachers..... the list goes on.
The system needs to stop blindly accepting the word of POs, Governors, Offender Managers, police officers, barristers etc simply because they are professionals.
Prison is not working. Within the women's estate there is a lack of rehabilitation, a lack of real support for women leaving prison, a lack of understanding of the very different issues faced by women, often separated from children who are then cruelly removed into the care system.
It is understaffed, underfunded, filled with many low ability staff who really don't care anymore as morale is rock bottom. I did meet some good officers. They relished the chance to sit and chat with a prisoner who had awareness of politics and current affairs, they would often unload on me all the issues within the service and within their jobs. In particular there was a fantastic union rep in one establishment. He told me many things about the realities. I am sure he would be in a lot of trouble with the establishment if they knew!
Change needs to happen from the inside. But HMP hates an intelligent prisoner who points out the faults in their system. Especially when that prisoner can also tell them how to change the faults and make it work! But instead of feeling affronted and threatened, HMP should make use of these skills, freely and happily offered by a keen and active percentage of the prison population. A group of us really did try to change things for the better, but were belittled and put down at every opportunity. So it is really down to the staff on the inside to work at changing things for the better, and I will continue to fight from the outside.
So, positives.......
Being forced into such an alien environment really enabled me to analyse issues and mental health problems that I had spent my life compartmentalising. I was unable to control 'my community' in prison, and so I really struggled with my differences and the many years of low self esteem and attachment problems. My inability to trust, worsened by unforgivable betrayal by the criminal justice system who jailed me for a crime I didn't commit, was something I really had to look into.
So, I guess the positive thing is that I had a lot of time to really self analyse and, at the end of my sentence, after suffering PTSD from the bullying and discrimination in open, to start to talk to health professionals about my screwed up head and emotions. This I am continuing with, even though I am back to being able to control my life and community.
Another positive, probably the biggest one, is the people I met. And I don't mean the staff or officers! I met the most non-judgemental, caring and supportive people amongst the other prisoners. Women's prisons have their share of bullying and nastiness, but on the whole the women join together and form a strong alliance against the establishment. I am still in close contact with ladies I met inside, and I count them among my closest friends ever. I felt supported and cared for, especially in closed conditions.
Two years of free education was another positive. OK, so the education itself is pretty low grade, low level, but I was able to access courses I needed to renew such as First Aid, Equality and Diversity, Health and Safety etc. I have had to pay to do these in the past, so now I have up to date qualifications in the areas I need for my employment, and all for free!
I loved being able to support others. I loved using my skills, abilities and experiences to help other prisoners. From being a Peer Supporter, an Induction Orderly, a Toe by Toe Mentor, to being a Wing Rep, a Catering Rep, Employment Peer supporter, whatever I did inside I did to help others. Although it irritated the establishment (to put it mildly!), I was determined to use my brains for the good and was always there for my fellow inmates to write appeals, look up PSIs, call solicitors, go to hearings, anything I could do to stop people being discriminated against or being treated unfairly (rife in prison)
Unfortunately the negatives far outweigh the positives. It was a time in my life when I realised that I could never trust the very system put there to uphold the law, to be 110% honest and true. If prison is not totally without fault, totally fair and uncorrupt then it is a failure. Prisoners cannot learn honest behaviours when seeing daily dishonesty all around them from those trusted to care for them. In prison a prisoner cannot break the rules without being punished, however those same rules are broken daily by staff....
I now ask for everything in writing when I deal with probation etc. Too many times I have had verbal agreements or whole conversations strenuously denied by officers and staff. And of course they are always believed above the offender because they are 'professionals'
Shall I let you into a little secret?
I was in prison with MANY professionals! A judge, a police superintendent, police officers, prison officers, accountants, solicitors, teachers..... the list goes on.
The system needs to stop blindly accepting the word of POs, Governors, Offender Managers, police officers, barristers etc simply because they are professionals.
Prison is not working. Within the women's estate there is a lack of rehabilitation, a lack of real support for women leaving prison, a lack of understanding of the very different issues faced by women, often separated from children who are then cruelly removed into the care system.
It is understaffed, underfunded, filled with many low ability staff who really don't care anymore as morale is rock bottom. I did meet some good officers. They relished the chance to sit and chat with a prisoner who had awareness of politics and current affairs, they would often unload on me all the issues within the service and within their jobs. In particular there was a fantastic union rep in one establishment. He told me many things about the realities. I am sure he would be in a lot of trouble with the establishment if they knew!
Change needs to happen from the inside. But HMP hates an intelligent prisoner who points out the faults in their system. Especially when that prisoner can also tell them how to change the faults and make it work! But instead of feeling affronted and threatened, HMP should make use of these skills, freely and happily offered by a keen and active percentage of the prison population. A group of us really did try to change things for the better, but were belittled and put down at every opportunity. So it is really down to the staff on the inside to work at changing things for the better, and I will continue to fight from the outside.
Wednesday 16 September 2015
Attachment Disorder... the reality for me
I have attachment disorder. I guess I have known this for about 3 or 4 years. It wasn't something I had ever heard of. But having a partner with a brain as well as medical training, who worked in school nursing and health visiting, plus my studying on a Health and Social Care Diploma all brought this condition to my attention!
Prison, and its corruptness and unfairness, really screwed with my head! When I was bullied by staff in open prison I really started to look at myself. I couldn't understand why these people were so spiteful and vindictive...
I recently had a full assessment at an autism diagnostic clinic... with 3 children diagnosed on the autistic spectrum and others with traits, plus a Dad and brothers with obvious traits, I was convinced that all my many issues were simply down to autism....But it seems that, although I do have many autistic traits, my actual diagnosis is attachment disorder and personality development disorder.
Attachment disorder is described as a behavioural disorder caused by the lack of an emotionally secure attachment to a care-giver in the early years of life, characterized by an inability to form healthy relationships.
Last year I contacted Hounslow Social Services for a copy of all my records while under their care from 1975 to 1987. I wanted these because I couldn't remember a lot of my childhood (blanked out) and I was struggling with my own self analytical ways. I had previously tried this about 15 years ago, and they had contacted my mother who had kicked off and made a fuss. So I didn't get them at that time. But, to be honest, I don't think I had the maturity to deal with it then. I have read these two thick folders cover to cover and it is not nice reading. I was a neglected and emotionally, sexually and physically abused, child. Social services in the main allowed this. There are so many references to my basic needs not being met, but being 1970s/1980s nothing was done.
My mother abandoned me as a very young child. My father tried his best but also failed. My mother then went on to abandon me as an adult. My father built a relationship of sorts with me but died very young.
So i am now 45. I appear, outwardly, as an articulate capable person. I have 8 children. They have various disabilities, but they are achieving as much as they possibly can. I have made sure of that, you see attachment disorder makes you have very low self esteem and a need to prove yourself all the time. You struggle with the idea that others may perceive you as failing.
I am 45, I have lived in many places. Yet I don't really have any friends. I struggle to even remember people i knew in my past. Other parents at school, neighbours, workmates. All forgotten. I never manage to maintain relationships. I just don't understand them. I think I irritate people and push them away because I can't do shallow platitudes. I need to know the person REALLY cares. Because I really care, because I take an interest. I can't trust. If I do trust, then I expect complete devotion. I really struggle with people's shallow attitudes.
Yet I really care for people. I care above and beyond. I remember everything they tell me, i take notice of their lives. I have huge empathy and can't bear people hurting. But i struggle with rejection. I struggle with dishonesty. I struggle with other adults not caring, I struggle with anyone caring for me or loving me.
I have maybe two or three friends. They are either on the spectrum or have children that way! When on the spectrum you don't need shallow platitudes. Maybe that is why the relationship works
"Unresolved childhood attachment issues leave an adult vulnerable to difficulties in forming secure adult relationships. Patterns of attachment continue through the life cycle and across generations. New relations are affected by the expectations developed in past relationships. There is a strong correlation between insecure adult attachment and marital dissatisfaction and negative marital interactions. If an adult does not feel safe with others, he/she will tend to be either rejecting of their partner or overly clingy. Attachment problems are often handed down transgenerationally unless someone breaks the chain. As a parent, an insecurely attached adult may lack the ability to form a strong attachment to their child and provide the necessary attachment cues required for the healthy emotional development of the child thereby predisposing their child to a lifetime of relationship difficulties.
One day I hope to make friends. One day I hope to feel good about myself. One day I hope to be able to deal with my childhood
I am going for counselling now.
Prison, and its corruptness and unfairness, really screwed with my head! When I was bullied by staff in open prison I really started to look at myself. I couldn't understand why these people were so spiteful and vindictive...
I recently had a full assessment at an autism diagnostic clinic... with 3 children diagnosed on the autistic spectrum and others with traits, plus a Dad and brothers with obvious traits, I was convinced that all my many issues were simply down to autism....But it seems that, although I do have many autistic traits, my actual diagnosis is attachment disorder and personality development disorder.
Attachment disorder is described as a behavioural disorder caused by the lack of an emotionally secure attachment to a care-giver in the early years of life, characterized by an inability to form healthy relationships.
Last year I contacted Hounslow Social Services for a copy of all my records while under their care from 1975 to 1987. I wanted these because I couldn't remember a lot of my childhood (blanked out) and I was struggling with my own self analytical ways. I had previously tried this about 15 years ago, and they had contacted my mother who had kicked off and made a fuss. So I didn't get them at that time. But, to be honest, I don't think I had the maturity to deal with it then. I have read these two thick folders cover to cover and it is not nice reading. I was a neglected and emotionally, sexually and physically abused, child. Social services in the main allowed this. There are so many references to my basic needs not being met, but being 1970s/1980s nothing was done.
My mother abandoned me as a very young child. My father tried his best but also failed. My mother then went on to abandon me as an adult. My father built a relationship of sorts with me but died very young.
So i am now 45. I appear, outwardly, as an articulate capable person. I have 8 children. They have various disabilities, but they are achieving as much as they possibly can. I have made sure of that, you see attachment disorder makes you have very low self esteem and a need to prove yourself all the time. You struggle with the idea that others may perceive you as failing.
I am 45, I have lived in many places. Yet I don't really have any friends. I struggle to even remember people i knew in my past. Other parents at school, neighbours, workmates. All forgotten. I never manage to maintain relationships. I just don't understand them. I think I irritate people and push them away because I can't do shallow platitudes. I need to know the person REALLY cares. Because I really care, because I take an interest. I can't trust. If I do trust, then I expect complete devotion. I really struggle with people's shallow attitudes.
Yet I really care for people. I care above and beyond. I remember everything they tell me, i take notice of their lives. I have huge empathy and can't bear people hurting. But i struggle with rejection. I struggle with dishonesty. I struggle with other adults not caring, I struggle with anyone caring for me or loving me.
I have maybe two or three friends. They are either on the spectrum or have children that way! When on the spectrum you don't need shallow platitudes. Maybe that is why the relationship works
"Unresolved childhood attachment issues leave an adult vulnerable to difficulties in forming secure adult relationships. Patterns of attachment continue through the life cycle and across generations. New relations are affected by the expectations developed in past relationships. There is a strong correlation between insecure adult attachment and marital dissatisfaction and negative marital interactions. If an adult does not feel safe with others, he/she will tend to be either rejecting of their partner or overly clingy. Attachment problems are often handed down transgenerationally unless someone breaks the chain. As a parent, an insecurely attached adult may lack the ability to form a strong attachment to their child and provide the necessary attachment cues required for the healthy emotional development of the child thereby predisposing their child to a lifetime of relationship difficulties.
One day I hope to make friends. One day I hope to feel good about myself. One day I hope to be able to deal with my childhood
I am going for counselling now.
Saturday 12 September 2015
12 weeks forwards...5 1/2 years back....
Prison is all about rehabilitation right?........
So, my Scottish friend....she spent 5 1/2 years inside. She did every course available and more. She earned level 3 plus qualifications in Counselling, PTLLS, Advice and Guidance, Media etc...... alongside all the mundane level 1 and 2 courses that OMU demands you do..She had a full time job, a car, a new relationship and family in Southern England. Indeed, a perfect example of rehabilitation in its best form!
So, you might think, she is set up for her release on licence...
Well, 3 months later she is still languishing in homeless accommodation in Scotland. Despite request after request being sent into the probation service in Sussex, absolutely nothing has changed. And it's not for the want of trying. Scottish probation, to be fair, has tried its hardest. But for some reason, unknown to anybody except those involved in Sussex, they are being incredibly vindictive, awkward, prohibitive, difficult and obstructive. ( I am being tame with my choice of vocabulary here!)
The new privatised Community Rehabilitation Company refuses to respond to e-mails and phone calls. It changes the boundaries as it feels fit. It refuses to put anything in writing, refuses to answer questions. And now the KSS CRC has decided they need to go to someone high up in the NPS (National Probation Service) in order to decide if they can take on the case of this incredibly low risk, one time offender who was completely rehabilitated. You would think in these times of "payment by results" they would jump at the chance of a guaranteed success story!
Scottish Probation are bewildered. They quote an example of an incredibly high risk repeat offender released into their care recently. He needed to be with family in Liverpool. The request was sent one day, approved straight away and he was off to Liverpool within 48 hours. So why, you might ask, is this lady still sitting homeless, jobless, friendless and familyless in Scotland?
The only conclusion that seems probable is one of discrimination. You see, her new partner is female. Ok, Ok, I know that is irrelevant..... but is it? There is no reason at all for not allowing her to move back to England. Nothing in her past or in her behaviour. So this leads to the assumption that somebody seems to have a homophobic issue....
Until they put something in writing this poor lady is stuck. She has a serious heart operation booked in London in 10 days time. She needs to be down in the area next Wednesday for pre op appointments. The CRC are still refusing to respond, and they need to give her permission to stay at the local address supplied to them months ago. Her GP has now stated grave concerns at her risk of stroke or heart attack. Her stress levels are such that he has prescribed Diazepam.
Two different legal teams are now involved. They too have not managed to get any response in writing. Appealing decisions that are verbal or invisible is impossible. And it seems that the CRC know this.There seems to be nowhere to go for help. The very people who are given the job of caring for ex offenders are seemingly unable to do their job. All it takes is a controlling and manipulative probation officer and somebody's life can be completely destroyed. Another example of the 'wonderful' British justice system.......
So, my Scottish friend....she spent 5 1/2 years inside. She did every course available and more. She earned level 3 plus qualifications in Counselling, PTLLS, Advice and Guidance, Media etc...... alongside all the mundane level 1 and 2 courses that OMU demands you do..She had a full time job, a car, a new relationship and family in Southern England. Indeed, a perfect example of rehabilitation in its best form!
So, you might think, she is set up for her release on licence...
Well, 3 months later she is still languishing in homeless accommodation in Scotland. Despite request after request being sent into the probation service in Sussex, absolutely nothing has changed. And it's not for the want of trying. Scottish probation, to be fair, has tried its hardest. But for some reason, unknown to anybody except those involved in Sussex, they are being incredibly vindictive, awkward, prohibitive, difficult and obstructive. ( I am being tame with my choice of vocabulary here!)
The new privatised Community Rehabilitation Company refuses to respond to e-mails and phone calls. It changes the boundaries as it feels fit. It refuses to put anything in writing, refuses to answer questions. And now the KSS CRC has decided they need to go to someone high up in the NPS (National Probation Service) in order to decide if they can take on the case of this incredibly low risk, one time offender who was completely rehabilitated. You would think in these times of "payment by results" they would jump at the chance of a guaranteed success story!
Scottish Probation are bewildered. They quote an example of an incredibly high risk repeat offender released into their care recently. He needed to be with family in Liverpool. The request was sent one day, approved straight away and he was off to Liverpool within 48 hours. So why, you might ask, is this lady still sitting homeless, jobless, friendless and familyless in Scotland?
The only conclusion that seems probable is one of discrimination. You see, her new partner is female. Ok, Ok, I know that is irrelevant..... but is it? There is no reason at all for not allowing her to move back to England. Nothing in her past or in her behaviour. So this leads to the assumption that somebody seems to have a homophobic issue....
Until they put something in writing this poor lady is stuck. She has a serious heart operation booked in London in 10 days time. She needs to be down in the area next Wednesday for pre op appointments. The CRC are still refusing to respond, and they need to give her permission to stay at the local address supplied to them months ago. Her GP has now stated grave concerns at her risk of stroke or heart attack. Her stress levels are such that he has prescribed Diazepam.
Two different legal teams are now involved. They too have not managed to get any response in writing. Appealing decisions that are verbal or invisible is impossible. And it seems that the CRC know this.There seems to be nowhere to go for help. The very people who are given the job of caring for ex offenders are seemingly unable to do their job. All it takes is a controlling and manipulative probation officer and somebody's life can be completely destroyed. Another example of the 'wonderful' British justice system.......
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