This time six years ago, 9pm on May 22nd 2013, I had just arrived at HMP Bronzefield, having spent several hours in a sweatbox. I had spent six weeks fighting for my life, an innocent in crown court.
I was now sitting on a hard plastic chair, contemplating how I had ended up in a large, grey prison holding room in Surrey, surrounded by women of all shapes and sizes, who were sharing out their hidden treats, secreted in their bras. My first introduction ever to drugs. And to hiding contraband in your bra!
As I sat there I could not quite believe that the Criminal Justice System had allowed me to be convicted of a crime I had not committed, a crime that in reality did not even exist!
The world is round (sorry flat earth society https://www.tfes.org/ ) and my life has gone full circle in the last ten years.
In 2009 I was running a successful youth theatre company and Saturday school. I was working on local shows. I was teaching piano and singing, and had a large circle of work contacts and friends. Life was OK, well it was good; but always stressful and hard work due to having children with autism, adhd, hearing loss, ME and various physical issues. But we were a team, and I had spent many years making sure my children had every performing opportunity despite their additional needs. I was the forerunner of the relaxed performance! I was "inclusion" before it became a buzzword!
My house, and my family's home, was raided in November 2009; if you are a reader of my blog you need no more explanation. For those of you who are new, please do take the time to read my earlier blogs.
Here I am in 2019:
I am running a youth theatre company and Saturday school.
I am teaching piano and singing
I am running local shows
I have a large circle of work contacts and friends
Sounds familiar?
I still have children with additional needs, however they are young adults now. And sadly they have more needs now, due to the trauma they suffered at the hands of the CJS.
No thought is given to the children of suspected offenders. No thought is given to the children of convicted offenders.
No thought is given to the children of released prisoners.
My children will never forget the two van loads of police and DWP officers who flooded into their home, early on a Monday morning. It was the first day back to school after October half term. It is embedded in their minds. The sounds, smells, the thoughts, the terror.
They will never forget being lined up and filmed and asked to state their names
They will never forget the shame when their friends' parents posted the news on social media when I was sent to jail.
They will never forget prison visits and being searched.
They will never forget being investigated by social services
They will never forget mum disappearing without warning after dropping them at school.
They will never forget losing their home
They will never forget knowing their mum did not commit the crime she was convicted of...... because the crime was about them.... and they knew they had additional needs. (As adults now they are even more sure of the needs they had and have, which makes them so incredibly angry about all we went through)
They will never trust the Criminal Justice System, police, the DWP or authority.
I don't really blog much now, maybe because I am not so angry any more. Although writing this tonight is making me angry again. I can feel the panic, my heartbeat is racing, I am sweating, I start to feel scared. I cry.
My two autistic boys got their benefits back when I went on "holiday",with the help of adult social services. In fact at a higher rate. Irony. (I am not laughing, funnily enough)
We did not pursue it for the younger two, too terrified. And my very Aspergic eldest daughter had to make that decision for herself.
But we are fighting again right now for my eldest son (24 and very autistic), back to zero points for PIP after the latest assessment. (Down from 26 points... oh wow he is cured!)
But I know that this time, at least, it is not due to "mum's conviction for benefit fraud". That was thrown out instantly at the last tribunal. Instead it is just the uselessness of ATOS, and he is just one of the tens of thousands of disabled people who are at the mercy of this terrible and dishonest system. The system that claimed that "I" was the dishonest one.
Slowly life gets better and better. But I am still so affected.
I am really successful in my work life right now.... but spend so much of my time terrified.
What if?
Could I cope if it all happened again? It seems that you can be arrested, charged and convicted so easily of a crime that does not exist; a crime that did not happen. I am too scared to be happy. Too scared to be proud of myself.
I have a video doorbell, because I am frightened of answering the door.
I don't answer the phone unless I recognise the number, something I am working on now as I am running a successful talent agency and have to answer calls.
If I see a police car I have a panic attack.
I have nightmares, every night, without fail.
My childhood attachment issues from growing up in care, were not helped by being betrayed again by a government department. This affects every area of my life. My relationship with my wife, my relationships with my children, my lack of trust.
I panic easily. I recently received an email out of the blue from an ITV Crime and Punishment researcher, and immediately my panic went into overdrive. Although we have a press ban in place to prevent the children being identified until my youngest is 18 years old, I was convinced that ITV wanted to make a programme about me. I had the biggest emotional meltdown I have had since leaving prison. This would be all my good work overturned. It took a lot of support from my children to help me to deal with this. Do journalists have no clue about the trauma that we go through? They even emailed my workplace! I eventually realised they were probably making a documentary about Jo Dennehy; she and I became friends at Bronzefield, and I suspect a member of staff had leaked that info to ITV. We exchanged a lot of letters over the years. Of course I would have had nothing to do with this programme. You don't do that to your friends, even if they are a convicted serial killer.
I am moving on. I run a very successful inclusive theatre company. I have the knowledge and experience to do this due to my own performing disabled children . The very thing that caused me to be convicted of fraud. I am championing inclusion. I run an inclusive theatrical talent agency. All my disabled clients receive disability benefits. They also all perform. It is irrelevant. Without the benefit support they would not be achieving at that level. Achievement is not a valid reason to take that support away. The support is needed to ensure they achieve!
If I was fighting my case today I would deal with it in such a different way. Although I am damaged by all that happened it has made me stronger. I have insight that I would never have gained. I have experiences that have shaped my future. I met people I would never have met. I have an understanding of the corrupt CJS that makes me want to scream, and makes me determined to play my part in change.
So here I am 10 years later; married, running a successful business, with so many more friends, living a good life, looking to the future.
Me: 1 CJS: 0
Thank you all for reading my blog. This will probably be my last as I need to move on from my "ex-prisoner" status, and, as you all know, I never did manage to break into the clique of CJS reform charities. I have found my place, back doing the thing I love and the thing I am truly amazing at. I am really grateful that I met so many amazing people while in prison and afterwards. I am pleased that I made a small difference while inside and out; with Keep Out, User Voice, Clean Break and Synergy. I tried my best to give my skills and talents wherever I could.
Please do keep in touch with me. My inclusive company is going places. And my own children are fantastically successful.
Screw you CJS and DWP!!!
Showing posts with label reform. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reform. Show all posts
Wednesday, 22 May 2019
Monday, 28 August 2017
The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men
My dream in May 2015, when I left the gated retreat, was to change the system, I had managed to achieve changes inside, but on release I was hit by the reality. The best laid plans.....
I spend far too much of my time these days on social media. But it seems, in this warped "prison and prison reform" world, I am not alone. Those of us trying to change the HMP chaos seem to be inordinately active on Twitter and Facebook. Little did I imagine, this time five years ago, that my social media feeds in 2017 would be filled with such issues as the need for prisoners to have email addresses, the appalling neglect and abuse of disabled inmates and the unacceptable overcrowding and terrible conditions in the UK prison system. And that's without taking into consideration the problems with freely available drugs inside, the smoking ban currently being implemented and the constant media reports about the frequently corrupt HMP staff!
My frustration is immense. I read posts avidly and greedily, and want to be a part of the solution, a solution that I believe is possible. My desire to help gyrates in my brain 24/7. I blog, and share, and re-tweet, yet I cannot seem to infiltrate the very charities and reform groups I would absolutely be a game changer for.
It's a confusing world. All of these charities employ a variety of paid staff. Many of these, I am sure, have absolutely the best intentions and want a solution. Yet, how do you, as a prison leaver, get into these very positions that would enable you to enact change? That enable your voice to be heard? The only solution seems to be volunteering, as mentioned in my last blog entry:
http://outofsync8.blogspot.co.uk/2017/08/inevitable-impact-of-incarceration.html
Being an "ex-offender" charity volunteer is seen far too often as the charity actually enabling the vulnerable, deprived, incapable prison leaver to have "meaningful and purposeful" activity. But what about the service users and prison leavers who are more than capable? The ones who are intelligent and focused and have come from a professional background? How do we break through into this secret society?
It seems the solution is to start yet another charity or reform group. But surely it is better to focus on having less groups who can help more people?
Today my Twitter chat was with the CEO of a prison-leavers charity I hadn't heard of before. Their issue of the day was to ensure that all prisoners leave jail with an email address. Sounds sensible and achievable, and necessary, unless you have actually been a guest of Her Majesty. Mention internet access when in jail and you are grounded, nicked and possibly put in Seg! Internet access terrifies security in prison, yet in reality many of the men in jail have it anyway, through secreted mobile phones. My Twitter feed has many serving prisoners on it, and I am so incredibly grateful for the reality of their input. During my two years inside the female estate I didn't even get a whiff of a mobile, and only ever heard about one lady who had managed to hide one for two years! Men's jails, it seems, are very different!
Prisoners need to leave jail with many things in place. Yet, through-the-gate services are dire or non-existent. These prison leavers need an e-mail address.... yes..... but they need the skills to use it! Giving a lifer an e-mail address to use on release, and a web site with the instructions on how to access it, is asking that licensed prisoner to fail! Imagine being transported from say 1991 to 2017 and being expected to instantly use a laptop or iPad or mobile phone, with your future income and housing and job being reliant on this?
In the last few months of a sentence an inmate must be allowed to access the internet, learn to use a mobile phone, apply fully for benefits, visit the local housing department. If we want to stop the revolving door we need to take this much more seriously. Working in the Vision Office in HMP East Sutton Park, trying to support ladies into work, it was almost impossible for me to perform my role without internet access. HMP officers and staff like to be in control, and they would only pass on e-mails etc when they felt like it, which dashed many prisoners chances of meaningful paid employment We need to remember that human behaviours and personalities play a big part in the attitudes of the staff employed to support and care for prisoners. My personal experience is that the majority had very little empathy, which has a detrimental impact on those prisoners trying to better themselves.
One story featuring massively on my social media feeds at the moment, which truly concerns me, is the treatment of, and attitude towards, a young disabled prisoner. This 24 year old man caused his own life-changing disabilities in a car crash, which tragically killed two teenage boys and seriously disabled two others who were travelling in his car. His crime is hard to forgive, he made incredibly bad choices and has been severely punished by his life long paralysis and other life limiting disorders. He was sentenced to seven and a half years in jail, for death by dangerous driving. He is wheelchair bound, tetraplegic, doubly incontinent and currently very unwell.
His mother, understandably so, is at her wits end and is tweeting all and sundry to try to get her son the care he needs. A 2017 UK prison is not the appropriate place for a seriously disabled prisoner. He has become seriously unwell, lost a lot of weight and is at risk of serious injury or death. The lack of funding and staffing in today's HMPS means that many inmates are likely to be on 23 hour bang up, and often ignored by mental health teams and healthcare. But, for such a severely disabled prisoner, the current prison regime cannot possibly provide the care needed. The removal of freedom is the punishment ordered by the courts. Whilst in prison each offender must be treated humanely and fairly, and yet this will be impossible for this young man with such severe and all encompassing medical needs. I have personal experience of the appalling treatment of disabled ladies, many thought to be swinging the lead or hypochondriacs, and very few allowances are made. All prisoners are believed to be deceitful, and the disabled and unwell are not excluded from this! One incident I remember well is accompanying a disabled lady with a walking frame to a church event in HMP Bronzefield, who then could not walk back, Staff refused to help, refused to allow other ladies to help, and ultimately this disabled lady was punished for being unable to return to her wing due to her disability.
Social Media is cruel and the Daily Mail readers of this world have such hatred for this young man's offence that he, his mother, and his family have received threats and appalling comments online. (Some of the comments are from serving prison officers which is deeply disturbing). I have read many of these, and I despair at the ignorance of the British general public towards prison sentences and their purpose. I pray that this young man starts to receive that '24 hour care by a team of 8 people', as promised by Judge Collier at his sentencing....... It doesn't seem likely. I wonder exactly what rehabilitation he will receive, whilst being seriously ill, profoundly disabled and lacking in basic care? His mum states he doesn't even have a cell call bell......
Britain's prison system is at breaking point. There are many clones of "me" in the community who really want to make it change. The problem is that we are seldom taken seriously. We blog, and tweet, and post, and write books and articles. Yet we are all "ex-offenders" and as such we are unimportant.
I am reaching out through this blog. I want to be a serious part of the change needed within the criminal justice system, I am available to work with any charities. I blog, I write, I am studying BA Criminology at a red brick uni! But I am not a vulnerable ex offender who needs supporting into meaningful activity. Will you take me up on my challenge? Will you prove I am wrong with my current analysis of reform charities? Will you take me on board with my incredible academic and analytical skills, my ability to problem solve and my personal knowledge of the system?
I am waiting to hear from you......
I spend far too much of my time these days on social media. But it seems, in this warped "prison and prison reform" world, I am not alone. Those of us trying to change the HMP chaos seem to be inordinately active on Twitter and Facebook. Little did I imagine, this time five years ago, that my social media feeds in 2017 would be filled with such issues as the need for prisoners to have email addresses, the appalling neglect and abuse of disabled inmates and the unacceptable overcrowding and terrible conditions in the UK prison system. And that's without taking into consideration the problems with freely available drugs inside, the smoking ban currently being implemented and the constant media reports about the frequently corrupt HMP staff!
My frustration is immense. I read posts avidly and greedily, and want to be a part of the solution, a solution that I believe is possible. My desire to help gyrates in my brain 24/7. I blog, and share, and re-tweet, yet I cannot seem to infiltrate the very charities and reform groups I would absolutely be a game changer for.
It's a confusing world. All of these charities employ a variety of paid staff. Many of these, I am sure, have absolutely the best intentions and want a solution. Yet, how do you, as a prison leaver, get into these very positions that would enable you to enact change? That enable your voice to be heard? The only solution seems to be volunteering, as mentioned in my last blog entry:
http://outofsync8.blogspot.co.uk/2017/08/inevitable-impact-of-incarceration.html
Being an "ex-offender" charity volunteer is seen far too often as the charity actually enabling the vulnerable, deprived, incapable prison leaver to have "meaningful and purposeful" activity. But what about the service users and prison leavers who are more than capable? The ones who are intelligent and focused and have come from a professional background? How do we break through into this secret society?
It seems the solution is to start yet another charity or reform group. But surely it is better to focus on having less groups who can help more people?
Today my Twitter chat was with the CEO of a prison-leavers charity I hadn't heard of before. Their issue of the day was to ensure that all prisoners leave jail with an email address. Sounds sensible and achievable, and necessary, unless you have actually been a guest of Her Majesty. Mention internet access when in jail and you are grounded, nicked and possibly put in Seg! Internet access terrifies security in prison, yet in reality many of the men in jail have it anyway, through secreted mobile phones. My Twitter feed has many serving prisoners on it, and I am so incredibly grateful for the reality of their input. During my two years inside the female estate I didn't even get a whiff of a mobile, and only ever heard about one lady who had managed to hide one for two years! Men's jails, it seems, are very different!
Prisoners need to leave jail with many things in place. Yet, through-the-gate services are dire or non-existent. These prison leavers need an e-mail address.... yes..... but they need the skills to use it! Giving a lifer an e-mail address to use on release, and a web site with the instructions on how to access it, is asking that licensed prisoner to fail! Imagine being transported from say 1991 to 2017 and being expected to instantly use a laptop or iPad or mobile phone, with your future income and housing and job being reliant on this?
In the last few months of a sentence an inmate must be allowed to access the internet, learn to use a mobile phone, apply fully for benefits, visit the local housing department. If we want to stop the revolving door we need to take this much more seriously. Working in the Vision Office in HMP East Sutton Park, trying to support ladies into work, it was almost impossible for me to perform my role without internet access. HMP officers and staff like to be in control, and they would only pass on e-mails etc when they felt like it, which dashed many prisoners chances of meaningful paid employment We need to remember that human behaviours and personalities play a big part in the attitudes of the staff employed to support and care for prisoners. My personal experience is that the majority had very little empathy, which has a detrimental impact on those prisoners trying to better themselves.
One story featuring massively on my social media feeds at the moment, which truly concerns me, is the treatment of, and attitude towards, a young disabled prisoner. This 24 year old man caused his own life-changing disabilities in a car crash, which tragically killed two teenage boys and seriously disabled two others who were travelling in his car. His crime is hard to forgive, he made incredibly bad choices and has been severely punished by his life long paralysis and other life limiting disorders. He was sentenced to seven and a half years in jail, for death by dangerous driving. He is wheelchair bound, tetraplegic, doubly incontinent and currently very unwell.
His mother, understandably so, is at her wits end and is tweeting all and sundry to try to get her son the care he needs. A 2017 UK prison is not the appropriate place for a seriously disabled prisoner. He has become seriously unwell, lost a lot of weight and is at risk of serious injury or death. The lack of funding and staffing in today's HMPS means that many inmates are likely to be on 23 hour bang up, and often ignored by mental health teams and healthcare. But, for such a severely disabled prisoner, the current prison regime cannot possibly provide the care needed. The removal of freedom is the punishment ordered by the courts. Whilst in prison each offender must be treated humanely and fairly, and yet this will be impossible for this young man with such severe and all encompassing medical needs. I have personal experience of the appalling treatment of disabled ladies, many thought to be swinging the lead or hypochondriacs, and very few allowances are made. All prisoners are believed to be deceitful, and the disabled and unwell are not excluded from this! One incident I remember well is accompanying a disabled lady with a walking frame to a church event in HMP Bronzefield, who then could not walk back, Staff refused to help, refused to allow other ladies to help, and ultimately this disabled lady was punished for being unable to return to her wing due to her disability.
Social Media is cruel and the Daily Mail readers of this world have such hatred for this young man's offence that he, his mother, and his family have received threats and appalling comments online. (Some of the comments are from serving prison officers which is deeply disturbing). I have read many of these, and I despair at the ignorance of the British general public towards prison sentences and their purpose. I pray that this young man starts to receive that '24 hour care by a team of 8 people', as promised by Judge Collier at his sentencing....... It doesn't seem likely. I wonder exactly what rehabilitation he will receive, whilst being seriously ill, profoundly disabled and lacking in basic care? His mum states he doesn't even have a cell call bell......
Britain's prison system is at breaking point. There are many clones of "me" in the community who really want to make it change. The problem is that we are seldom taken seriously. We blog, and tweet, and post, and write books and articles. Yet we are all "ex-offenders" and as such we are unimportant.
I am reaching out through this blog. I want to be a serious part of the change needed within the criminal justice system, I am available to work with any charities. I blog, I write, I am studying BA Criminology at a red brick uni! But I am not a vulnerable ex offender who needs supporting into meaningful activity. Will you take me up on my challenge? Will you prove I am wrong with my current analysis of reform charities? Will you take me on board with my incredible academic and analytical skills, my ability to problem solve and my personal knowledge of the system?
I am waiting to hear from you......
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