February 10th 1990, when you were born, was completely and utterly the best day of my life. I had waited for you for nearly four years, four years of being desperate for a baby, desperate for you - that perfect being who I could give all that unwanted love to.
I was just 20 years old when you were born. I didn't realise it then, but I was a very fragile and damaged 20 year old. I now know I have attachment disorder caused by my turbulent, abusive childhood. However, at that time I thought I was invincible. Bringing you up to have everything I didn't have was my most important desire.
Loving you was easy. You were loved and adored and wanted every minute of every day, both by me and by your dad. Night after night you had colic and we paced the floor for hours and hours, cleaned up the vomit, and calmed your screams.
Once the colic was over we had your food refusal issues to deal with, and your UTIs. You seemed to always have something going on. You were labelled a "failure to thrive" baby and after scans and investigations we were told you had urinary reflux which meant daily antibiotics for the next two years, something you fought against with every single dose.
At a year old you became very ill with pneumonia and were hospitalised. You forgot how to walk and had to be fed through an NG tube. But, being the bolshie child we knew, a few days later you pulled your tube out and started to get better.
Your sister was born when you were 15 months old and boy were you unimpressed! You were so important to me and so totally loved that I was scared I would not have room to love your sister. I couldn't believe I could possibly manage the strength of feeling I had for you and also feel that way about another child. But I did, and also for the next six siblings!
Your childhood was not easy, not for you and also not for me and your siblings. You were an astounding and amazing child. Highly intelligent, you were my mini me. With a thirst for knowledge and hyperlexic I was so proud of you. Getting you the right education was an issue right from the beginning. You struggled to fit in and, although a high-flyer academically you had so many problems with other people. We tried so many different schools. Looking back, with a different background and family support I may have made different decisions, may have let you struggle in one environment in the hope you would succeed. But, being so young with no support, and determined to give you the best, I tried and tried to place you somewhere you would be happy. Your happiness was my number one thought throughout your childhood.
Skipping forward to December 2015... you are my only child who really struggles with my two years in prison. Although you have never spoken to me about it, your black and white thought processes mean you think I am at fault. It's ironic really, your claim was the one I was found not guilty of....
You were diagnosed with Aspergers when you were 10. You were very unhappy then; it must have been so difficult to deal with being so different and not understanding why. You were bullied at every school; it didn't seem to matter how lovely the school.... I failed to ensure you didn't suffer. It broke my heart when other children picked on you because you were different. Schools hated me because I stood up for you, because I complained about their staff, because I refused to allow you to be unhappy.
Yet, despite the suffering, school changes and depression, you managed to achieve academically and won a place at the flagship University of Warwick. I am so proud of all you achieved. In the first term you were desperate to come home, struggling to cope. But you had good support from the Uni Disability team, and then you met your first boyfriend which made a huge difference to your coping ability. Although you and he have parted now, he was there to support you when you really couldn't cope.
I haven't seen you for over two years. I wrote to you from the holiday camp and you didn't reply. I texted you when your dad had a stroke last month and you didn't reply. You stay in touch with your siblings and you are very vocal with them about your opinion of me. But, despite your amazing journalistic abilities you have been unable to articulate your opinions to me.
I probably confuse you. I, after all, have had two years to analyse and evaluate myself. I have come to terms with all my shortfalls. I have learnt about human behaviours and character faults. I have become calmer, more accepting, less judgemental. I have been able to investigate my childhood issues and look at how that abuse has affected me.
You have a very specific and controlled persona, honed I am sure due to your need to be successful, liked, wanted and capable: all of which you are.
I am really struggling. You are spending Christmas with me, with us, with your family. Yet you are offering me cold politeness. I can't fault it, I can't state you are being openly rude or offensive. Yet your cold arrogance is chilling and hurtful. Your siblings deserve better and I deserve better. I am your mother, I brought you into this world, loved you , cared for you, supported you, gave you absolutely everything I could. I am human. I have faults and make mistakes. But so do you......
I love you.
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