I have attachment disorder. I guess I have known this for about 3 or 4 years. It wasn't something I had ever heard of. But having a partner with a brain as well as medical training, who worked in school nursing and health visiting, plus my studying on a Health and Social Care Diploma all brought this condition to my attention!
Prison, and its corruptness and unfairness, really screwed with my head! When I was bullied by staff in open prison I really started to look at myself. I couldn't understand why these people were so spiteful and vindictive...
I recently had a full assessment at an autism diagnostic clinic... with 3 children diagnosed on the autistic spectrum and others with traits, plus a Dad and brothers with obvious traits, I was convinced that all my many issues were simply down to autism....But it seems that, although I do have many autistic traits, my actual diagnosis is attachment disorder and personality development disorder.
Attachment disorder is described as a behavioural disorder caused by the lack of an emotionally secure attachment to a care-giver in the early years of life, characterized by an inability to form healthy relationships.
Last year I contacted Hounslow Social Services for a copy of all my records while under their care from 1975 to 1987. I wanted these because I couldn't remember a lot of my childhood (blanked out) and I was struggling with my own self analytical ways. I had previously tried this about 15 years ago, and they had contacted my mother who had kicked off and made a fuss. So I didn't get them at that time. But, to be honest, I don't think I had the maturity to deal with it then. I have read these two thick folders cover to cover and it is not nice reading. I was a neglected and emotionally, sexually and physically abused, child. Social services in the main allowed this. There are so many references to my basic needs not being met, but being 1970s/1980s nothing was done.
My mother abandoned me as a very young child. My father tried his best but also failed. My mother then went on to abandon me as an adult. My father built a relationship of sorts with me but died very young.
So i am now 45. I appear, outwardly, as an articulate capable person. I have 8 children. They have various disabilities, but they are achieving as much as they possibly can. I have made sure of that, you see attachment disorder makes you have very low self esteem and a need to prove yourself all the time. You struggle with the idea that others may perceive you as failing.
I am 45, I have lived in many places. Yet I don't really have any friends. I struggle to even remember people i knew in my past. Other parents at school, neighbours, workmates. All forgotten. I never manage to maintain relationships. I just don't understand them. I think I irritate people and push them away because I can't do shallow platitudes. I need to know the person REALLY cares. Because I really care, because I take an interest. I can't trust. If I do trust, then I expect complete devotion. I really struggle with people's shallow attitudes.
Yet I really care for people. I care above and beyond. I remember everything they tell me, i take notice of their lives. I have huge empathy and can't bear people hurting. But i struggle with rejection. I struggle with dishonesty. I struggle with other adults not caring, I struggle with anyone caring for me or loving me.
I have maybe two or three friends. They are either on the spectrum or have children that way! When on the spectrum you don't need shallow platitudes. Maybe that is why the relationship works
"Unresolved childhood attachment issues leave an adult vulnerable to difficulties in forming secure adult relationships. Patterns of attachment continue through the life cycle and across generations. New relations are affected by the expectations developed in past relationships. There is a strong correlation between insecure adult attachment and marital dissatisfaction and negative marital interactions. If an adult does not feel safe with others, he/she will tend to be either rejecting of their partner or overly clingy. Attachment problems are often handed down transgenerationally unless someone breaks the chain. As a parent, an insecurely attached adult may lack the ability to form a strong attachment to their child and provide the necessary attachment cues required for the healthy emotional development of the child thereby predisposing their child to a lifetime of relationship difficulties.
One day I hope to make friends. One day I hope to feel good about myself. One day I hope to be able to deal with my childhood
I am going for counselling now.
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