Full Circle

This time six years ago, 9pm on May 22nd 2013, I had just arrived at HMP Bronzefield, having spent several hours in a sweatbox. I had spent six weeks fighting for my life, an innocent in crown court.
I was now sitting on a hard plastic chair, contemplating how I had ended up in a large, grey prison holding room in Surrey, surrounded by women of all shapes and sizes, who were sharing out their hidden treats, secreted in their bras. My first introduction ever to drugs. And to hiding contraband in your bra!
As I sat there I could not quite believe that the Criminal Justice System had allowed me to be convicted of a crime I had not committed, a crime that in reality did not even exist!

The world is round (sorry flat earth society https://www.tfes.org/ ) and my life has gone full circle in the last ten years.

In 2009 I was running a successful youth theatre company and Saturday school. I was working on local shows. I was teaching piano and singing, and had a large circle of work contacts and friends. Life was OK, well it was good; but always stressful and hard work due to having children with autism, adhd, hearing loss, ME and various physical issues. But we were a team, and I had spent many years making sure my children had every performing opportunity despite their additional needs. I was the forerunner of the relaxed performance! I was "inclusion" before it became a buzzword!

My house, and my family's home, was raided in November 2009; if you are a reader of my blog you need no more explanation. For those of you who are new, please do take the time to read my earlier blogs.

Here I am in 2019:

I am running a youth theatre company and Saturday school.
I am teaching piano and singing
I am running local shows
I have a large circle of work contacts and friends

Sounds familiar?

I still have children with additional needs, however they are young adults now. And sadly they have more needs now, due to the trauma they suffered at the hands of the CJS.
No thought is given to the children of suspected offenders. No thought is given to the children of convicted offenders.
No thought is given to the children of released prisoners.
My children will never forget the two van loads of  police and DWP officers who flooded into their home, early on a Monday morning. It was the first day back to school after October half term. It is embedded in their minds. The sounds, smells, the thoughts, the terror.
They will never forget being lined up and filmed and asked to state their names
They will never forget the shame when their friends' parents posted the news on social media when I was sent to jail.
They will never forget prison visits and being searched.
They will never forget being investigated by social services
They will never forget mum disappearing without warning after dropping them at school.
They will never forget losing their home
They will never forget knowing their mum did not commit the crime she was convicted of...... because the crime was about them.... and they knew they had additional needs. (As adults now they are even more sure of the needs they had and have, which makes them so incredibly angry about all we went through)
They will never trust the Criminal Justice System, police, the DWP or authority.

I don't really blog much now, maybe because I am not so angry any more. Although writing this tonight is making me angry again. I can feel the panic, my heartbeat is racing, I am sweating, I start to feel scared. I cry.

My two autistic boys got their benefits back when I went on "holiday",with the help of adult social services. In fact at a higher rate. Irony. (I am not laughing, funnily enough)
We did not pursue it for the younger two, too terrified. And my very Aspergic eldest daughter had to make that decision for herself.
But we are fighting again right now for my eldest son (24 and very autistic), back to zero points for PIP after the latest assessment. (Down from 26 points... oh wow he is cured!)
But I know that this time, at least, it is not due to "mum's conviction for benefit fraud". That was thrown out instantly at the last tribunal. Instead it is just the uselessness of ATOS, and he is just one of the tens of thousands of disabled people who are at the mercy of this terrible and dishonest system. The system that claimed that "I" was the dishonest one.

Slowly life gets better and better. But I am still so affected.
I am really successful in my work life right now.... but spend so much of my time terrified.
What if?
Could I cope if it all happened again? It seems that you can be arrested, charged and convicted so easily of a crime that does not exist; a crime that did not happen. I am too scared to be happy. Too scared to be proud of myself.

I have a video doorbell, because I am frightened of answering the door.
I don't answer the phone unless I recognise the number, something I am working on now as I am running a successful talent agency and have to answer calls.
If I see a police car I have a panic attack.
I have nightmares, every night, without fail.
My childhood attachment issues from growing up in care, were not helped by being betrayed again by a government department. This affects every area of my life. My relationship with my wife, my relationships with my children, my lack of trust.

I panic easily. I recently received an email out of the blue from an ITV Crime and Punishment researcher, and immediately my panic went into overdrive. Although we have a press ban in place to prevent the children being identified until my youngest is 18 years old, I was convinced that ITV wanted to make a programme about me. I had the biggest emotional meltdown I have had since leaving prison. This would be all my good work overturned. It took a lot of support from my children to help me to deal with this. Do journalists have no clue about the trauma that we go through? They even emailed my workplace! I eventually realised they were probably making a documentary about Jo Dennehy; she and I became friends at Bronzefield, and I suspect a member of staff had leaked that info to ITV. We exchanged a lot of letters over the years. Of course I would have had nothing to do with this programme. You don't do that to your friends, even if they are a convicted serial killer.

I am moving on. I run a very successful inclusive theatre company. I have the knowledge and experience to do this due to my own performing disabled children . The very thing that caused me to be convicted of fraud. I am championing inclusion. I run an inclusive theatrical talent agency. All my disabled clients receive disability benefits. They also all perform. It is irrelevant. Without the benefit support they would not be achieving at that level. Achievement is not a valid reason to take that support away. The support is needed to ensure they achieve!

If I was fighting my case today I would deal with it in such a different way. Although I am damaged by all that happened it has made me stronger. I have insight that I would never have gained. I have experiences that have shaped my future. I met people I would never have met. I have an understanding of the corrupt CJS that makes me want to scream, and makes me determined to play my part in change.

So here I am 10 years later; married, running a successful business, with so many more friends, living a good life, looking to the future.

Me: 1    CJS: 0

Thank you all for reading my blog. This will probably be my last as I need to move on from my "ex-prisoner" status, and, as you all know, I never did manage to break into the clique of CJS reform charities. I have found my place, back doing the thing I love and the thing I am truly amazing at. I am really grateful that I met so many amazing people while in prison and afterwards. I am pleased that I made a small difference while inside and out; with Keep Out, User Voice, Clean Break and Synergy. I tried my best to give my skills and talents wherever I could.

Please do keep in touch with me. My inclusive company is going places. And my own children are fantastically successful.
Screw you CJS and DWP!!!

Addressing Autism & Arresting Attitudes

Autism..... where do I start with describing this condition, and the impact of autism on the autistic person themselves and on those around them?

Autism is a pervasive developmental disorder, characterised by deficits in certain areas. Every child or adult with autism is different, however, each will have persistent difficulties with social communication and relationships, social imagination, repetitive and/or obsessive behaviours and sensory sensitivities. 

I live with this 24/7, not my own diagnosis, but the reality for four of my children and also my partner, who recently became my wife. After a lifetime of dealing with a diagnosis of both anxiety and depression and a personality disorder, she was finally 'correctly' diagnosed with autism earlier this year. A welcome and life-changing result after 30 years being failed by various NHS Mental Health departments. 

As I type this blog entry it is midnight, and I am sitting downstairs alone, taking a break from the constant demands that come from having an autistic family and more recently an autistic partner. I am hurting from her lack of empathy, I am worn out from meeting her needs, I am exhausted by having to pre-empt situations all day every day....not just for her, but for my autistic children too. I love my wife and my family, unreservedly and without condition, but life can be very difficult in this autism bubble. I am sure it is equally difficult for them, but in different ways. 

And then my thoughts, as always nowadays, turn to the 87,209 serving prisoners, locked away in their gated retreats. (Figures from NOMS 

Population and Capacity Briefing for Friday 25th August 2017)

When I worked in the Induction department at HMP Bronzefield, I very quickly identified the ladies coming in who appeared to be on the autistic spectrum. Having lived with autism at this point for about 23 years, I was well served to spot the signs. The head of prison education soon realised I was doing a good job and asked me to refer these ladies on to her for support. However, it was a heartbreaking situation I found myself in. These prisoners usually came in confused and distraught. Much of the time they had little understanding as to why or how they were in prison. Their crimes tended to be down to their autism and lack of understanding, rather than a chosen and planned criminal behaviour. Sadly it was incredibly common in Induction to welcome new inmates with mental health problems and learning difficulties, and many of these seemed to have undiagnosed autistic difficulties or traits. Most ended up that first night on the Healthcare wing, which was a cross between One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and Awakenings! Definitely the worst place for somebody with sensory difficulties and a lack of social awareness. 

The thought of my autistic children or my partner ending up in jail is terrifying. Being stressed by overpowering noise and smells, with restricted eating habits, a lack of social communication skills and in need of a safe and secure routine and familiar environment; prison is a living hell for people with autism. 

The British Medical Journal published a report in 2016 (BMJ 2016;353:i3028) in which the researcher, a forensic psychologist, discusses the over-representation of autistic prisoners in HMP settings, currently about 2.3% of the prison population as opposed to 0.99% of the general population. And this is just those with a diagnosis, the figure will be higher, as so many prisoners seem to be undiagnosed. The article states:

"ASD is of specific concern among prisoners because it can slip through the gap between learning disabilities and mental health diagnoses, for which more formal assessments, in addition to liaison and diversion schemes, are being developed in forensic services. Identification of ASD at the earliest possible stage in the criminal justice system could allow for better assessment and management of challenging presentations and minimise the risk of additional mental ill health"

Most of my fellow gated retreat customers who I identified as having autistic spectrum condition or ASC traits, were instead perceived to have mental health problems, for which there was very little help in the prisons I was a guest at, and even less so for someone who is misdiagnosed. The therapy for personality disorders, depression and other mental health difficulties are usually unsuitable when dealing with a person with autism. These incredibly vulnerable ladies were often considered, by untrained and often ignorant staff, to be manipulative and "putting on" their behaviours. A lady screaming and crying all night because her routine had been altered without warning was instantly and cruelly punished. Restricting access to cleaning materials for an ASC lady with severe OCD was a tactic I witnessed being used to mentally torture another fellow inmate. 

One of the most important abilities you need to survive in jail is a skilled set of finely honed social skills. A new prisoner needs to be able to quickly assess other people, to be able to read facial expressions and tone of voice, The ability to make appropriate comments to both cellmates and staff is paramount. So how does this fit in with the intrinsic behavioural deficits of an autistic inmate? Well, it doesn't, leaving autistic prisoners open to bullying and abuse from all they come into contact with.

What is the solution? 

Firstly we need to have significantly better, and compulsory, training for the police, usually the first point of contact within the criminal justice system. My very autistic 23 year old son, if questioned by our boys in blue, would be incredibly anxious and would take everything very literally.He would be so easily manipulated into admitting guilt. He would assume that a policeman, who is in authority, would know better than him. He trusts those in charge to protect him and make decisions for him. His behaviour may appear odd and can sometimes draw unnecessary attention, but as autism is often a hidden disability it may not be immediately obvious to other people that he is disabled.

The National Autistic Society explains well the reasons why an autistic person may become involved in the Criminal Justice System: (http://www.autism.org.uk/cjp)

Social naivety. The desire to have friends has led some autistic people to be befriended by criminals, and become their unwitting accomplices People on the autistic spectrum often do not understand other people's motives. 

Difficulty with change or unexpected events. An unexpected change in the environment or routine, eg a public transport delay, may cause great anxiety and distress, leading to aggressive behaviour. 

Misunderstanding of social cues. For example, many autistic people have difficulties with eye contact, which may be avoided, fleeting prolonged or inappropriate. This may be interpreted as making unwanted sexual advances. 

Rigid adherence to rules. They may become extremely agitated if other people break these rules. For example, an autistic man was known to kick cars that were parked illegally.  

Not understanding the implications of their behaviour. Due to difficulties with social imagination, an autistic person might not learn from past experience. They may repeatedly offend if not offered the correct support and intervention. 

These situations can also occur in prison, causing the autistic prisoner to be treated badly by staff and punished unnecessarily. Prison staff are not currently well enough trained to deal with the multitude of mental health problems and other disorders they will come across in our failing prison system. There is a chronic lack of funding, and the educational entry requirements for a prison officer are far too low in my opinion. Putting a young person, possibly just 18 years old, with very little knowledge of the world and human differences, in charge of a wing, is just asking for the officer/prisoner relationship to fail. 

On my social media feeds I follow many families of prisoners fighting against wrongful conviction or inappropriate sentencing. One of the common themes in many of these cases is autism. One very young life-sentenced, joint enterprise, male prisoner has been diagnosed with autism subsequent to his trial. He was lucky enough to have the UK's top expert, Simon Baron Cohen, assess and diagnose him. Yet the court of appeal refused to believe a report from this renowned clinical psychologist and professor.......... and sadly it is incredibly common for courts to dismiss an autism diagnosis. 

Autistic defendants and prisoners are suffering at the hands of an out of date criminal justice system, which fails to understand quite how autism infiltrates every single part of an autistic person and their behaviours. It isn't a part time disability, dealt with by medication or therapy. It is a complete way of being, which will never change, improve or get better. Autistic people need understanding and strategies in order to cope with our confusing world. 

It is time, in 2017, to once and for all fully address the needs of our autistic population, and then to support them appropriately, thus reducing the risk of wrongly criminalising autistic people for behaviours beyond their control, and hopefully ending the incidents of re-offending in those already convicted. 

The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men

My dream in May 2015, when I left the gated retreat, was to change the system, I had managed to achieve changes inside, but on release I was hit by the reality. The best laid plans.....

I spend far too much of my time these days on social media. But it seems, in this warped "prison and prison reform" world, I am not alone. Those of us trying to change the HMP chaos seem to be inordinately active on Twitter and Facebook. Little did I imagine, this time five years ago, that my social media feeds in 2017 would be filled with such issues as the need for prisoners to have email addresses, the appalling neglect and abuse of disabled inmates and  the unacceptable overcrowding and terrible conditions in the UK prison system. And that's without taking into consideration the problems with freely available drugs inside, the smoking ban currently being implemented and the constant media reports about the frequently corrupt HMP staff!

My frustration is immense. I read posts avidly and greedily, and want to be a part of the solution, a solution that I believe is possible. My desire to help gyrates in my brain 24/7. I blog, and share, and re-tweet, yet I cannot seem to infiltrate the very charities and reform groups I would absolutely be a game changer for. 

It's a confusing world. All of these charities employ a variety of paid staff. Many of these, I am sure, have absolutely the best intentions and want a solution. Yet, how do you, as a prison leaver, get into these very positions that would enable you to enact change? That enable your voice to be heard? The only solution seems to be volunteering, as mentioned in my last blog entry:

 http://outofsync8.blogspot.co.uk/2017/08/inevitable-impact-of-incarceration.html

Being an "ex-offender" charity volunteer is seen far too often as the charity actually enabling the vulnerable, deprived, incapable prison leaver to have "meaningful and purposeful" activity. But what about the service users and prison leavers who are more than capable? The ones who are intelligent and focused and have come from a professional background? How do we break through into this secret society?

It seems the solution is to start yet another charity or reform group. But surely it is better to focus on having less groups who can help more people?

Today my Twitter chat was with the CEO of a prison-leavers charity I hadn't heard of before. Their issue of the day was to ensure that all prisoners leave jail with an email address. Sounds sensible and achievable, and necessary,  unless you have actually been a guest of Her Majesty. Mention internet access when in jail and you are grounded, nicked and possibly put in Seg! Internet access terrifies security in prison, yet in reality many of the men in jail have it anyway, through secreted mobile phones. My Twitter feed has many serving prisoners on it, and I am so incredibly grateful for the reality of their input. During my two years inside the female estate I didn't even get a whiff of a mobile, and only ever heard about one lady who had managed to hide one for two years! Men's jails, it seems, are very different!

Prisoners need to leave jail with many things in place. Yet, through-the-gate services are dire or non-existent. These prison leavers need an e-mail address.... yes..... but they need the skills to use it! Giving a lifer an e-mail address to use on release, and a web site with the instructions on how to access it, is asking that licensed prisoner to fail! Imagine being transported from say 1991 to 2017 and being expected to instantly use a laptop or iPad or mobile phone, with your future income and housing and job being reliant on this?

In the last few months of a sentence an inmate must be allowed to access the internet, learn to use a mobile phone, apply fully for benefits, visit the local housing department. If we want to stop the revolving door we need to take this much more seriously. Working in the Vision Office in HMP East Sutton Park, trying to support ladies into work, it was almost impossible for me to perform my role without internet access. HMP officers and staff like to be in control, and they would only pass on e-mails etc when they felt like it, which dashed many prisoners chances of meaningful paid employment We need to remember that human behaviours and personalities play a big part in the attitudes of the staff employed to support and care for prisoners. My personal experience is that the majority had very little empathy, which has a detrimental impact on those prisoners trying to better themselves. 

One story featuring massively on my social media feeds at the moment, which truly concerns me, is the treatment of, and attitude towards, a young disabled prisoner. This 24 year old man caused his own life-changing disabilities in a car crash, which tragically killed two teenage boys and seriously disabled two others who were travelling in his car. His crime is hard to forgive, he made incredibly bad choices and has been severely punished by his life long paralysis and other life limiting disorders. He was sentenced to seven and a half years in jail, for death by dangerous driving. He is wheelchair bound, tetraplegic, doubly incontinent and currently very unwell. 

His mother, understandably so, is at her wits end and is tweeting all and sundry to try to get her son the care he needs. A 2017 UK prison is not the appropriate place for a seriously disabled prisoner. He has become seriously unwell, lost a lot of weight and is at risk of serious injury or death. The lack of funding and staffing in today's HMPS means that many inmates are likely to be on 23 hour bang up, and often ignored by mental health teams and healthcare. But, for such a severely disabled prisoner, the current prison regime cannot possibly provide the care needed. The removal of freedom is the punishment ordered by the courts. Whilst in prison each offender must be treated humanely and fairly, and yet this will be impossible for this young man with such severe and all encompassing medical needs. I have personal experience of the appalling treatment of disabled ladies, many thought to be swinging the lead or hypochondriacs, and very few allowances are made. All prisoners are believed to be deceitful, and the disabled and unwell are not excluded from this! One incident I remember well is accompanying a disabled lady with a walking frame to a church event in HMP Bronzefield, who then could not walk back, Staff refused to help, refused to allow other ladies to help, and ultimately this disabled lady was punished for being unable to return to her wing due to her disability. 

Social Media is cruel and the Daily Mail readers of this world have such hatred for this young man's offence that he, his mother, and his family have received threats and appalling comments online. (Some of the comments are from serving prison officers which is deeply disturbing). I have read many of these, and I despair at the ignorance of the British general public towards prison sentences and their purpose. I pray that this young man starts to receive that '24 hour care by a team of 8 people', as promised by Judge Collier at his sentencing....... It doesn't seem likely. I wonder exactly what rehabilitation he will receive, whilst being seriously ill, profoundly disabled and lacking in basic care? His mum states he doesn't even have a cell call bell......

Britain's prison system is at breaking point. There are many clones of "me" in the community who really want to make it change. The problem is that we are seldom taken seriously. We blog, and tweet, and post, and write books and articles. Yet we are all "ex-offenders" and as such we are unimportant. 

I am reaching out through this blog. I want to be a serious part of the change needed within the criminal justice system, I am available to work with any charities. I blog, I write, I am studying BA Criminology at a red brick uni! But I am not a vulnerable ex offender who needs supporting into meaningful activity. Will you take me up on my challenge? Will you prove I am wrong with my current analysis of reform charities? Will you take me on board with my incredible academic and analytical skills, my ability to problem solve and my personal knowledge of the system? 

I am waiting to hear from you......

Attention!! Autistic Actor Ahead!

Tomorrow is a momentous occasion. My eldest son, 21, has a film casting in London. OK, so he has been to hundreds of castings and auditions, especially between the ages of about 10 and 15. So why is tomorrow such a different experience?
Well, he is actually, for the first time ever, able to go to this casting as himself; an autistic young man.

As a child he was on the books of two very well known and renowned agencies; Sylvia Young's Younguns agency and A&J Management. It was easy for my autistic performer to land a place with these agents. Monologues are a piece of cake for a repetitive mimic; he could copy every single inflection in my voice and learn some quite complex pieces almost parrot fashion. He passed LAMDA exams at Distinction level time and again. Having a musical protegee for a mother, who worked as a musical director, his genetic natural musicality and stunning singing voice meant that the agencies also loved his singing voice.

However, being diagnosed with autism aged three was something we were unable to mention or refer to. The child-performer world is a strange environment. Children are not cast based on their talent.... well, that comes into it, but unfortunately for a young autistic boy, the casting directors look at so many other factors. Which is why he found himself auditioning for, and being recalled for, Gavroche in Les Mis seven times without actually landing the part! Knowing my son, I guess I understand that he probably didn't make eye contact enough, or wasn't sociable enough with the casting team or the other children. But he would have been absolutely perfect in the role, with his ability to repeat the part in exactly the same way time after time, on top of his inside-out knowledge of the role and his belting singing voice. Equally he would have been perfect in Mary Poppins, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and The Sound of Music, all of which he was recalled for several times without actually being cast.

Maybe we should have been able to let them know he was autistic. I do strongly believe that this should not have gone against him..... but sadly it would have. The children's casting directors he saw, who for some reason  seem to have a monopoly over every show employing child actors, have a very controlling manner and were incredibly frightening to come up against. If he had been applying to audition as an autistic child he would never have even been offered an audition! These casting directors also have issues with parents, and will ostracise a child performer if they dislike the parent. (there is an article in the Daily Mail written by one of these at: http://tinyurl.com/no4ws9h). I often wonder if those who write the shows, or finance the shows, are aware that some of the best young talent is never considered for a role!

So, all in all it was never an option to discuss his disability and help him through the discrimination to land one of the roles he was born to play.

But tomorrow he is meeting a well known casting director who knows he is autistic and wants to meet him specifically for that reason! He is so excited, and yet he says it feels very odd. For his whole childhood he had to pretend he was something he wasn't, due to the attitudes of the CDs. And pretending you are something you are not is very difficult when you are autistic! 

Perhaps I should have fought harder..... but the boost to his self esteem each time he had a West End audition or a tv casting was enough to make me think we were doing the right thing at the time. Unfortunately it backfired later when those same casting directors were unsupportive (and one of them downright vindictive) when it all came out about his autism and also the disabilities of his siblings.

So now we are all completely honest and open. I have a son with autism who is an amazing musical theatre performer and actor. I have a son with Aspergers who is a diploma level musician, an advanced dancer and a stunning MT performer. I have a daughter with chronic anxieties who is an outstanding actress and is studying performing arts. She hopes to go to Drama School next year, and I have a son who is deaf and has Developmental Dyspraxia, who has performed in numerous professional shows, including being a soloist at Glyndebourne, but is now moving into technical theatre. Look out Brit School, he is aiming high!

I am proud of what they have achieved, despite their issues, and I will continue to support them and to raise awareness of the need to fight disability discrimination in the arts.

Break a Leg tomorrow son.... I love you.

(Any casting directors reading this please check out http://www.visablepeople.com/)